She loved with a love that was more than love… her heart ached for him, her body screamed to feel his skin, her mind whirled with thoughts of his touch. She desired so deep she could smell his cologne as if he were next to her still.
The emotions that coursed through her veins were not new to her, thrilling yet terrifying. She had lost control again. The roller coaster the late night dream had sent her speeding away on was tossing her heart around the room with a ferocity she did not miss. Why tonight? Why had she fallen asleep to a passing thought of his face. Why did she let herself open her mind to any trace of his memory? It killed her every time to remember what was… but she couldn’t help it.
It took only a dream to ruin her night, to ruin the following day, to ruin her mood for the next few. She couldn’t recover when the dreams were so vivid she could still feel his lips on hers when she awoke. She could still taste his skin.
It had been years but it still had this affect on her. Her life was completely different now, she was a different person than who she was when they were together. Part of this was a result of being so enveloped in him she didn’t really exist. She decided to live for herself a long time ago, it was the decision that made her walk away from him. But living without him had been harder than she had imagined. Affirmations had poured in, “it will get better in time” “you deserve so much better” “you made the right choice”. Advice followed, “if you stay busy you won’t think about it” “sleep around, it will help you forget him” “you couldn’t possibly have loved him that much, just let it go already”.
She is still waiting for that moment when it gets easier. Waiting for that moment that the hold he has on her is no longer a disaster, but a passing memory.