It’s another night of me staring at the ceiling, playing over in my head all of the photographs that flooded my vision today. I don’t know why I torment myself with holding on to you. I guess I can’t shake the feeling that
She is living my life…
She is living in the house I dreamed of with you, she is riding the horses and working the farm I always asked you to “settle” for with me… but back then you never wanted that. You were ready to head on back to the city.
My mind goes back to the days of our happiness. How blissful it seemed back then. It goes back to the fights, the breaks, the time in silence between us. Finally, I come across the final scenario of you moving on.
I never really thought this would actually happen. Honestly, up until the final day I didn’t quite lose hope. But then again, you didn’t let me… you never let me go. Every emotion I had towards you was a direct result of you “coming back” for a brief moment in time, just long enough for me
to drown under you again
Then, as routine, you were gone again, seeing and loving someone new. When I tried to move on and open up myself to the idea of new, there you were with your words and your smiles and your bullshit. But I held on to you. Permanently affixed to you I went through the motions of dating… and then you found her…
You were out with family, had been trying to meet new people for awhile now, I was trying to pretend I was in love. You met her and you destroyed me with four words,
“She’s just not you”
I couldn’t run from those words so there I was again poisoned by your tongue. Only this time you didn’t do your normal routine of disappearing for a year, not talking to me, giving me space that I would actually need to accept it. No. You stayed friends with me. Sent me photos of your family. Pictures of the farm you were beginning. Death announcement for our dog.
You never let me be
So now here I am. Completely and utterly confused and rocked and tormented. I can feel myself screaming but no sound escapes my lips. I am crying my heart out but no tears fall from my dry eyes. You have ripped me of compassion. I am devoid of any semblance of “give a shit”. And today,
I am blaming you