Unexplainable

You told me once, “I honestly don’t know what it is that you see in me”. For the life of me I wish words could explain it. It happened the moment I saw you, way back when, the first time I saw you in that bar. You were like a magnet. I know you remember the staring, watching your every move, soaking up the motions as you seemed to float through the bar like a dream. I had to watch you walk out, struggling to accept the fact that I would never see you again. I am sure you can imagine my elation when I saw you return. You strategically placed yourself and watched me. Did you know I would muster up the courage to ask you to dance? Did you know that walking me to my car would land you a kiss? Electrifying that was, the way your lips mapped mine. I was such a kid back then, wanting to be whatever you wanted for just a chance at your heart. You were so shallow and heartless back then, thankfully, I would not have been worth it myself.

Years can pass between two people but not without change. I watched you open and warm to me as a friend. We cast aside all of our games and facades to simply be just that. Oh, what a mistake that was, for seeing you in your true light was intoxicating. I convinced myself time and again how poorly matched our personalities would always be, convinced myself you were never going to be perfect for me. But you kept slipping and showing me slivers of the real man under that harsh exterior you liked to play. Time and again you gave me reasons to walk away from you, time and again I tried to. I went sprinting in the opposite direction of you so many times… and when I grew tired of running, I hailed a cab that quickly brought me back to you. How corny that sounds even as I write it!

Isn’t it funny the games we play with our hearts? Trying to convince ourselves that what we feel is not real. Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage our thoughts and emotions with pessimism and insecurities? Is it the never ending let downs we have experienced? The heartache we are unwilling to feel again? Vulnerability?

Can you explain why you run away? I know why I do…

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4 Comments

  1. So do you believe you will find a man, that you will love forever, spend the rest of your life with, that won’t have the ability to make you feel that heartache again? If your answer to that question is yes, then I don’t believe you know what love really is. I’ve been in your shoes and understand what you are feeling. I pushed the people that meant the most to me, and cared about me more than anyone away just like you seem to. I ended it with someone because I was afraid of getting hurt again. I convinced myself she wasn’t the one for me, even though deep down I knew she cared about me more than anyone had ever cared about me before. I had my heart broken over and over. I was determined to never let it happen again. I made a mistake. I realized this woman was the one I should be with for the rest of my life. Thank god a year later she was willing to give me a second chance. I’m now married to the love of my life. My point to this rambling post is that if you aren’t willing to be hurt, you aren’t willing to be happier than you ever imagined was possible. I wasn’t truly happy in a relationship until I was willing to give my entire heart and be absolutely vulnerable. It was a risk, but without taking that risk I would still be single and not nearly as happy and fulfilled with my life and wife as I am now. Sorry for going on and on. Hope you find what you are looking for.

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