Growing Up and Terrified

I came to a smacking realization the other day. I am not getting younger. I am not staying young. I am violently growing up this year.

Now to a lot of people 26 still sounds so young. But to me I am at a critical transition point of terrifying and wonderful.

This is all stemming from a large financial decision I made recently. I have officially started the process of buying a house. For the last 6 or so months I have been house hunting, made a few offers, but never really had the reality set in until just a few weeks ago.

My offer was accepted

Now I am in a whirlwind of gathering documentation for my mortgage, debating a down payment, awaiting appraisals, negotiating concessions, inspections, waiting… waiting…

The offer was accepted, inspections done, concessions agreed upon. Now I am full swing mortgage talk and down payment decisions made me realize just how terrified of my life I am. Am I really buying a house in a city? I hate the city. I am praying this is a good investment property. What if I meet someone? What if he has a house as well? That would make a moving in together decision insanely complicated. That’s a ridiculously preemptive thought. I should stay single. But I am not getting any younger and I would like to have kids before I am 40… before my dad passes. He is also not getting any younger. What if I lose my job? What if this, what if that, what about this?! So many questions and concerns and exhausting realizations about my life.

But then I realized a very beautiful fact… and it came sweeping in with all it’s glory.

Who gives a shit

Who cares that maybe I am buying a house somewhere that may or may not work out. I am buying a house that will allow two very good friends to rent cheaper, which helps me and helps them. I will have a yard for my dog and can update/fix/change the house any time and in any way that I want. I don’t have to deal with the bullshit apartment hassle I have been in the last few years. If I lose my job, I will get a new one, because I work my ass off and would do just that. Why am I even worried? I love my job! Why am I worried about what someone else has going on? If I meet someone amazing, I guess we will figure it out, because that’s what adults do, figure it out. I would absolutely love to have my dad be involved in my kids lives, but if he is not around when I finally get around to having them, well then there is a bigger reason that is out of my control. I need to keep living and loving him without thinking about him expiring before I have children.

Yes, I am growing up, constantly changing and maturing and getting older. I relish in the fact that I am in reality still so young. I have so many things to look forward to, so many experiences and so many lessons to learn. I have happiness and heartache in my future. Loss and new experiences. So many things that focusing on feeling old today is ridiculous.

Now excuse me while I go splash in mud puddles.

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1 Comment

  1. I love this. Welcome to being an adult and u should be proud hun you are making an amazing step in the right direction. You are living life and doing what u need to take care of u and people u care about that’s what matters and don’t forget all the rest will fall where they should in do time 😉

    Like

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