Crashing Realization

As we continue to grow in maturity throughout our lives we come upon moments of weakness, lessons of learning and sometimes a crashing realization involving both. I came to one of these realizations the other day when I was under the assumption that things had not gone as planned for me, and I was hurting. I was reaching out so hard for happiness, but was I?

I had spent the better part of three months putting effort towards something I wanted. I was not receiving the reciprocation I had desired. It fell apart, and I was upset. But the harsh reality that fought it’s way to my very core was simply this:

I did this to myself…

I had sunk my brain in to something I knew was not going to work out to be anything more than what it was and immediately realized my demented self preserving and destructive behavior. It hit me like a mack truck blazing 80mph in to the cement wall that I place in front of my heart. As with every other scenario in my life (save one) I knew within a few days this wasn’t for me. But I went for it, made excuses to make it look like a good idea to pursue, then subsequently waited for it to implode. Either on my end or the other. This way, it will only hurt a little and for a short while. I won’t need to cry, I won’t need to hold on to this and wonder why, I won’t need to do anything more than skip away.

Because at the end of the day this is what I wanted…

 

 

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