Literally… He went for it, spelling out his desires in a cold yellow vegetable. But the sentiment, the thought, was anything but cold, and maybe melted this heart of mine just enough.
I have come to realize in my life the things we should run from and the things we should grasp on to for dear life. Many of these things I had twisted. I was running from good people and grasping on to my self preservation. I had loved so hard for so long that the constant torture and pain from ending that relationship was never over. Every time I let someone hurt me I felt his pain again. I longed for him instead of the one who just left. Loving was never truly loving, it was a temporary dissolve of emotion that I could utilize to hide my struggle. Because it was my fault after all, I left.
The bigger issue with this, you end up feeling bull dozed by all the bullshit you let in to you life. I allowed myself to have my self esteem destroyed by one, to feel like I deserved to watch another get married, to understand why another couldn’t just have me but needed more. I allowed these things to happen to me while I built walls and froze myself off to anything that could possibly be good for me.
With this, I was so far away from expecting this one to be anything more than a friend, I very literally laughed when someone brought to my attention that he was clearly trying to enter the race for my heart. No way, we are just friends, I have known him for over a year, there is no way… Then he showed up at my door with a dozen roses and a smile that I couldn’t ignore… Yep… He is trying for me. Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit! Here we go. A truly good guy that I am obviously not ready for. I just went through a train wreck of scenarios. I am bitter. I don’t know what I want. This isn’t going to work. I’m going to hurt him.
Don’t kiss him! Whatever you do after this date, DON’T KISS HIM!
You kissed him… you’re an idiot.
O.K… just tell him the truth about you, you suck at this thing of dating and you will probably run away from him a couple times and he should go now before it gets serious… He should be the one to run away actually, physically run if possible, the sooner the better.
Why is he still standing here? I just told him I was bitter and didn’t know what I wanted and I would probably hurt him and he is still standing here… He is standing here telling me that it would be worth it, I would be worth it. He will give me the time to figure it out, but he wants this.
So he is crazy? Blind maybe? A masochist?! Or will I have another push over good guy that I train wreck… It’s been a few years since I have done this, I am due for one right?
What I was actually due for, was a solid person to invest their interest in me at the same magnitude that I invest. It was time for me to get out of my own way and let someone worthy in. It was time for the guy who wouldn’t give up, the guy who was just himself, the man that was so incredibly willing to possibly be crushed by me that would end up breaking this ridiculous trend of self destruction.
And even then, I continued to talk myself out of it until I came home on lunch one day. There he was, simply and unapologetically himself, standing next to a pizza and a Yankee candle with little pieces of corn arranged just right.
“Will you be my gf?”
And through my laughter, I would break the vicious cycle and allow in the Nice Guy.