As You Lay Dying

Nothing prepares you for experiences like this… not even going through it already (multiple times). There is no preparation for watching someone you love wither away in front of you eyes. There is no guidebook to handling a piece of you dying. They do not exist.

I maintain my strength and courage in front of my friend, I smile and laugh with her, crack jokes, dance, celebrate her. I surround her with my strength and optimism, I exude the same around her family and friends. I give the best I can to bring some semblance of normalcy while her time here fades.

But I have to admit, I am falling apart inside. I am struggling to breathe. My heart is aching in places I forget exist. I am falling apart inside, and it’s selfish.

I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lay you in the cold, dark earth because I love so much seeing you. I know you are going to a better place, I wholeheartedly believe that, but damn it I am not ready to say goodbye! Not today. Not a year from now.

What I would do to trade places with you. What I would give to make it all go away so you can live the life you deserve. You of all people, one of the most beautiful humans. Why is it always the best of you that are taken so young? This isn’t fucking fair.

I don’t want to hear about God’s plan today. I want to hear that you are cured.

I don’t want to hear that your memory will live on forever. I want you to live so I can make memories with you.

I am angry and struggling.

Then I read this; an amazing post by an Australian girl that recently lost her battle to cancer (can read her post here: And it came at a very crucial time.

Her words snapped me back in.

“Whine less, people! .. And help each other more.”

Goodness if that isn’t so true! Here I am whining about MY feelings, and I am healthy as a horse.

“Give, give, give”.

Just another reminder that giving is the best gift of all and I could always, ALWAYS give more.

“Value other people’s time.”

This I took a bit differently than she intended, as I believe I already strive to value others in the regards of time. I took this as value “her time left”. Don’t regret time not spent like I have in the past with my other friends who I have lost.

Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.

I told her three times last night that I loved her. I will tell her and everyone as many times as I can, as often as I can.


I’ll be seeing you.

Eileen Ruth. 10/30/1986 – 1/20/2018


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