I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the way some men treat women these days. For lack of a stronger, more accurate description we jump to conclusions and label every man that did us wrong an “asshole”. I have been guilty of this very fact, taking a situation where I felt wronged and cried out ‘asshole, how could you’. But the last scenario I can recall where I was wronged by a self proclaimed ass, I realized something very significant. We have given men the power, yes THE POWER, to label themselves an asshole and give them the graces of hiding from the real reason they are acting in the way they do.
Nice guys finish last and women fall for assholes are just a few comments that can be found littered throughout article upon article when it comes to women feeling heartbroken and unable to ‘hook the good guy’. But I would like to take a personal situation, dissect it a bit differently, and shed some light on the reality of the asshole persona that we are glorifying for the opposite sex. Just a heads up, there will be definitions, not to insult your intelligence as readers, but to help me get the point across and show that the people I interact with could use a vocabulary lesson.
a. stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.
In the literal definition of the word we find the culprit of my reasoning. Stupid, mean, or contemptible person. In this definition, a mans actions to deserve the word would require deliberate mean behavior, apparent stupidity and just being downright awful for no reason. I find in most cases that this is not actually the case. Let me explain.
The self proclaimed asshole I refer to in the first paragraph will be the object of explanation today because he so elegantly gave me all the material I need to explain this. In the very early stages of us getting to know each other he was attentive, tried, worked for me. He seemed too good to be true, so when asked for faults I was given the proclamation “well, I have been called an asshole a lot” yet he couldn’t really give me exact reasons why… typical. Now if you know me, I had already made up my subconscious mind that this guy was not going to last, so of course, I tried dating him (self preservation if you will). It was almost immediate I began noticing the key actions that most women would classify as “an asshole move”.
I found myself driving to his place 99% of the time, that was of course on the rare occasion I was invited to see him. We rarely had public interaction, and when we did it was great, but he wasn’t exactly affectionate on showing the world “I was his” kind of thing. If you know me, I hate PDA so if I am saying he wasn’t affectionate, I mean the world probably assumed we were related by his actions or lack there of. I was given words, lovely words, about how meeting his friends was a really big deal and his friends were family. He didn’t introduce just any girl to them, I should feel lucky… Except only meeting them once in four months, I wouldn’t exactly call that interaction. He talked about missing me, wished he could see me, but as mentioned I would rarely receive an invitation to visit him and he sure as hell never tried to come see me. I went to his softball game in the cold, but he couldn’t find the time to make it to an indoor volleyball or soccer game of mine. I made future plans for dates, he found ways to break or deny them. I moved from apartment to house, he was too busy to help me move. I found little things to get him that reminded me of him, he was ungrateful in more or less actions. He didn’t want to push me to be physical, but yet an attempt was made every single visit.
Every moment was focused on him and how it could benefit him at the time. When I caught on to this in my conscious mind I made a decision to test this. I didn’t ask to see him. So I went a month without seeing him. Although we talked daily and non stop, his only effort I can reasonably give him credit for is keeping a constant conversation going, he was good at that… and only that, if you know what I mean.
So, upon the last in person interaction I paid very close attention to what exactly was going on with this self proclaimed asshole. And as all information does, it lands in my lap. He stepped away to use the restroom and left his phone sitting on the couch beside me. He probably should have told his ex girlfriend not to message him about missing his cuddles that late at night, but more than anything he probably should turn off message preview. He might of taken the time to mention that to the other girl (no name) who felt compelled to tell him at 11:30pm that she was “sorry for yelling at you the other night, I just like you so much and really wanted this to work out”.
Now my other posts will vividly explain my thoughts on being the other women, but with an undefined relationship I wasn’t THAT mad about it… But I definitely mentally called him an asshole, said goodnight and left before I lost my cool. I could approach this another day. The next day to be precise. “What is it that we are doing exactly?” I asked him, which was so lovingly responded to with “oh, here we go! The beginning of the end.” ASSHOLE right?!? I hadn’t even said anything about being upset with what we had been doing, just wanted to clarify and be on the same page. Needless to say, our relationship fizzled to a passive friendship that eventually fizzled to passive acquaintances to being deleted on Facebook and no longer anything in any way. Let me preface this with… I really didn’t give a shit at this point.
All of his actions and words and lack thereof for both would make it so easy for me to label him an asshole and call it a day. But in reality this guy is simply a coward. Too afraid to tell me how he feels or what he really wants from me. Too afraid to be honest with all the women in his life that he is insecure and needs attention but can’t commit. Too scared to have an adult conversation with me about what he was looking for out of the last four months of our interaction. I would rather you tell me, “hey, I got to know you and didn’t like what I found” or “hey, I was just looking to have a little fun, nothing serious”. At least then I know you are being a man about it. Standing me up, not responding, making excuses, avoiding conflict… all of these traits are common misconceptions for the common asshole, but this is the difference between that and a coward. He was never blatantly mean to me just to be mean. His actions of avoidance and deceit were those of a coward.
1. a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc. ; a timid or easily intimidated person.