Lately I get  these perfect thoughts in my head and I sprint to the keyboard to type them out… but my fingers can’t decipher all the thoughts racing behind my eyes. I decided to carry a journal again so I could jot down my thoughts as I go, but the distance from my brain to my fingertips must be too far to travel. I fail at writing down the emotions coursing through me. But what if, it’s not the fact that I am failing in translation, what if, it is simply that my skin is so alive and on fire that it burns to pause.

I was asleep for so long I forgot what it felt like to be set aflame. I want to run everywhere again, and see everything that is available to be seen!  I also want to simply stand, and soak up everything that I am feeling, unmoved from the moment.

I want to be awed by the world. I want to be awed by people. I want to bask in the humanity of beautiful moments. I want to drown in the beauty of this planet.

It’s nice to say Hello to me again.

An Open Letter to a Man I Wish I Could Love

You deserve a mad, passionate, extraordinary love. We all do. And I am not giving that to you. How unfair.

There have been so many moments where you have shined and I say to myself “how beautiful of him, why don’t I love him”.

You are compassionate, supportive, funny, caring, giving, and extravagant in your love. You are always willing to please and are eternally helpful.

So why can’t I love you? After all the atrocities that I have dated, why is it that when you come along, I simply cannot bring my heart to love? No matter how much I have tried?

Through the last few months, I have come to realize that although you are an incredible man, you are not the right man for me. As I am also not the right woman for you. I do not love you ferociously as you do me. I do not express the passion for you, as you do me. I am failing to be a considerate and generous companion as my heart continues to make the realizations that we are not perfect for one another. Although I do so desire to be this for you, because you deserve all these things and more, I cannot force my heart.

I want someone to light up your life and empower you, you deserve this. I want someone to give you their everything, I want this for myself.

I want to run down the aisle to someone someday because the idea of spending forever with them can’t come soon enough. And I want someone to run to you.

I want someone who can make you feel incredibly special, blessed, by just their presence. I actually think we had this… I’m sorry it wasn’t enough for me.

I’m sorry that I am making this selfish decision, because I know it is selfish. You do not want this, but I truly believe that we both need this. Even if it is for the simple reason, that you truly deserve better than me. You deserve that full, all encompassing love that you have been giving. I really hope you can see that, I am sorry for hurting you, but I want more for you.

When it comes to the timing, no this is not perfect, but when is a good time to pull away from someone you have invested so much time in? I couldn’t have done this any sooner because I wasn’t sure, I still so wanted to fall for you. I also can’t continue to drag this out on you. As cliche as it may sound, life really is too short, and I don’t want to waste any more of your time. I say that, but I truly hope you do not feel that our time together was wasted.

I learned a great deal about myself during all of this. You showed me things that I deserve in a relationship, and made me aware that those traits exist. I am forever grateful, for before you I was losing hope in finding many of your qualities in another.

I will say this knowing you may not want this, but I do hope we can maintain the friendship. More than anything, I can say that my friendship for you has grown immensely and I hope we do not lose this completely.

Can I apologize enough for it? Are there words that can make this ok in your eyes? If there were I would write them. I do not want to hurt you, but I do not want to hold you back from finding the one that can make your soul sing.

Please forgive me, for I wished to love you, I simply couldn’t.

 

The Repeat Offender

You know what I am talking about, that ex… that ONE ex that can’t seem to leave it be. You finally feel like you have distanced yourself from the negative scenario that was that situation, only to have him pop his ugly head back in to your life at the most inopportune times. The repeat offender aka the ex boyfriend who repeatedly offends you.

The said relationship ended, you violently ended it about a year ago, not necessarily proud of all of actions, but you did what you thought would hurt him the way you were hurting. Tit for tat cause you were livid. You wash your hands of it and try to pick up the pieces that you might have left for the next guy. You spend the next few months dating and losing hope in humanity, let alone men, he tries to reach out at first but quickly quits because, in reality, he never cared as much as you. You have removed this person from all other avenues of connection that you might have left by now. Or so you think. You do your best to remove yourself, you do your best to move on.

You find someone, a good one, and you start down your path of happiness. Then BOOM! Text messages, phone calls, ridiculous attempts to reach out to you of “I need to explain”. Certain messages fall on deaf ears, some make it through… some make it through. Then you find yourself angry all over again! Furious at this person for what they did to you so long ago. “I was just coming to terms with this! Damn you!”

And the anger can never only affect you, noooo, that would be too easy. It seeps out of your pores and your friends and new happiness can sense it. You are irritable and frustrated and you are not even 100% why. You don’t love this person anymore cause the person you “loved” never existed. You don’t want to be with, let alone near this person, because their life practically disgusts you now. So why is this making you so angry? Why are you praying to see a photo of his happy face so you can spit on it?

Then it hits you… his attempt to reach out and explain completely negates the closure you thought you had back when you exploded in a fit of rage at the end of it all. He took away the one thing you had in your corner. He made you open a door you had long ago closed. It was only a door that you could open. You opened it for this bullshit??

Slam that damn door shut, smile, and get back to life.

 

Happiness for Granted

If you are like me, it takes a lot of effort and energy to let yourself be happy. When you have been holding on to an impossible idea of happiness, you really lose sight of things in your current life that are bringing so much joy to the world. If I stopped to look myself in the mirror to count my blessings, I would have an overabundance in comparison to the things that I would choose to change about my life. When I recognize that… I feel ashamed for all the times I felt sorry for myself or thought “oh woe is me”. My life, in comparison to some, has been a pretty tough go, I’ve lost a lot of important people in my life, I am not from a rich family, I wasn’t blessed with incredible talents worthy of finding fame over. I have had a really VERY shitty string of luck in the boyfriend department.

But as I sit on my couch looking at the walls of MY house, laughing along with a plethora of friends that stopped by for dinner and game night, I realize that on so many occasions we (especially me) can take the immediate moments of happiness for granted. I was able to buy my own house, I have several very good friends and a loving boyfriend, my family that’s left is healthy and kicking, my job is amazing. These are all happy things that are in the now!

I encourage you today, if you haven’t already, stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about when you maybe might possibly get married or have kids. Stop worrying about whether or not the next paycheck will be bigger or even big enough. Instead, take the moment to soak in everything that is right and wonderful and thank God for those pieces of life that are blessing you in this moment.

Don’t take your happiness for granted.

A Relationship Explained in Paramore Songs

I found this gem buried in my drafts section. How funny that I was able to use one band to describe an entire relationship haha. *These are great tunes, all lyrics and songs are Paramore and YouTube found.

 

The day we met:

Wish I could find a crystal ball…
For the days I feel completely worthless
You know I’d use it all for good,
I would not take it for granted
Instead I have some memories… for the days I don’t feel anything.
At the least, they will remind me not to make the same mistakes again.

Years Later:

You never, you never said
This wasn’t what you wanted
Was it, was it?

This isn’t what you wanted
This isn’t what you wanted

When She Hurt You:

I settled down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known

I had it all
But, not what I wanted
’cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

You’d make your way in
I’d resist you just like this

How I still felt about you:

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it’s not real
You can’t hold it in your hand
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be, yeah

Your song to me:


So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolf’s gonna blow it down

When I found out:

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood

You were my conscience, so solid
Now you’re like water
And we started drowning
Not like we’d sink any further
But I let my heart go,
It’s somewhere down at the bottom
But I’ll get a new one
And come back for the hope that you’ve stolen

The End:

But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well I will figure this one out
On my own


You can’t tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

On The Death of a Friend

Elliott

I am so incredibly blessed to have known Elliott Orr as long as I have, although the time is never enough. Growing up in the church together, coaching soccer together. The memories I will cherish forever. There are so many people that have been touched by his laughter, his selfless love, and unwavering faith. Such a beautiful soul through the hardest times. His journey has touched so many lives and inspired me to see beauty in dark hours. I pray for peace and strength and comfort to his family, wife, friends. God bless you and everything you have brought to this world.

May you be at rest with the Lord, Coach. Your memory will forever be in my heart.

Death is not something I have ever been able to process easily. From losing my mother at a young age, to countless relatives and more friends than I would care to see go. Cancer has taken so many from me in such a short span of life. I find myself always struggling to process the emotions that flood me in these times.

I seem to always begin with a selfish regret… “I should have been around more, I said I would visit, I wish I would have held that friendship closer and done more to be a support system.” After the regret I move fiercely in to anger. I don’t think there will ever come a time when I will not feel angry when someone loses their life to cancer. It’s a nasty thing and by God I do not understand it. Maybe it’s a lack of knowledge and understanding, and honestly I should have sat down with Elliott a time or two and simply asked, “You are a young, vibrant, amazing young man who had so much passion for life. How do you not let yourself become angry with God? You praise his name daily and ask for prayers for others before yourself! How do you find the trust in him that this is his will and his plan for you is greater than what we can comprehend?” It takes every fiber of my being not to curse him in this hour. I never preach to be the best Christian by any stretch of the imagination, but my biggest struggle is when he tests me to keep loving him when good people are taken from this world, in my opinion, way too soon.

Following anger is the incredible heartbreak, a sadness from loss that can not be described. You feel so much that it physically hurts. Now if you know me, you’re aware that feelings of sadness are not emotions that I am willing to wear openly. I don’t cry in front of others, I stand strong, hold fast, show no weakness if you will. I’m the tough one in the face of difficult times. But loss is a sadness I can’t conceal. Tears will flood my eyes beyond my control.

But once the tears subside I will come to find a place of acceptance. Acceptance for the  bigger plan. Acceptance of the comfort in Heaven that the suffering can now feel. Through all the anger and regret, I always find solace that the departed have left to be with the Lord.

“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.” – Henry Thoreau

It’s a testament to my friend Elliott that over 700 people showed up for his funeral. I can also promise that many were still missing. But the truly miraculous thing to watch is how peaceful and blessed everyone who knew him continues to be. myself included. I find myself laughing at the things that used to infuriate me, “my truck has been recalled?! HAHA of course it has, I’ll call next week”, “I can feel cold air leaking in through the kitchen window now, the door wall can’t get fixed till spring, I definitely need to add insulation to stop all the freezing on my roof, guess I better start saving and planning”. My reactions in the past would have been much more aggressive, angry, full of cussing and confusion on why and how this is all happening. It’s interesting to me how one single human can drastically make you reevaluate your priorities and what you find important enough to fuss over.

So more than anything, through all the processes of emotions I must land my final emotion on a feeling of thanks. A thank you to a kid who was able to bring so much perspective to my world, so much more evaluations of being thankful as opposed to being irritated. Positivity above anything else.

Thank you Elliott, coach, friend. I will forever be grateful for your mark on this world.

Contributions in memory of a wonderful man can be made here:

Elliott Orr Mission and Scholarship Project Fund, c/o Scott Orr, P.O. Box 248, North Branch, MI. 48461

The Way I Look At Me

I finally caught your eye yesterday… I know you saw me. All black Johnny Cash outfit at the gym. I could feel your stare my entire workout. Every weight I lifted I could see your eyes trailing over every curve of my arm, to my shoulder, along the outline, down the slope of my hip and back again, analyzing. I could sense the judgement in your look, but there was an overall acceptance of progress and drive. You were accepting of the fact that I was there, a female taking up free weight space.

Surprisingly, unlike the recent past, I wasn’t as self conscious as I had been on other gym days. Even though I knew you were laughing at my facial expressions when I struggled to put up the last few reps. I know you noticed the extra weight around my middle, not as prominent as it has been, but there. The shorts I had on made an extra roll I wasn’t particularly fond of. But yea I get it, I don’t have a six pack yet, but stand by, it’s coming! I know you watched as I moved from machine to weights, move to move, struggle to struggle. You never took your eyes off me.

Finally, during the rest on my last set of the hour you spoke.

“You are looking good, I like how far you’ve come. Yea, you have some goals to hit still, but you have got this. You look better to me than you have in a long time.”

“Thank you”, I said to myself, “Thank you for realizing what you have accomplished, what you are capable of and what you know you are about to discover about your abilities. You have a long way to go, but you are finally happy looking in the mirror”.

Sometimes, you need to check yourself out at the gym and remind yourself you only have one body and you should love every muscle, every fat roll, every scar and say “Damn self, you are looking good!”

Give yourself a pep talk today!

 

He Put The Corn in Corny

Literally… He went for it, spelling out his desires in a cold yellow vegetable. But the sentiment, the thought, was anything but cold, and maybe melted this heart of mine just enough.

I have come to realize in my life the things we should run from and the things we should grasp on to for dear life. Many of these things I had twisted. I was running from good people and grasping on to my self preservation. I had loved so hard for so long that the constant torture and pain from ending that relationship was never over. Every time I let someone hurt me I felt his pain again. I longed for him instead of the one who just left. Loving was never truly loving, it was a temporary dissolve of emotion that I could utilize to hide my struggle. Because it was my fault after all, I left.

The bigger issue with this, you end up feeling bull dozed by all the bullshit you let in to you life. I allowed myself to have my self esteem destroyed by one, to feel like I deserved to watch another get married, to understand why another couldn’t just have me but needed more. I allowed these things to happen to me while I built walls and froze myself off to anything that could possibly be good for me.

With this, I was so far away from expecting this one to be anything more than a friend, I very literally laughed when someone brought to my attention that he was clearly trying to enter the race for my heart. No way, we are just friends, I have known him for over a year, there is no way… Then he showed up at my door with a dozen roses and a smile that I couldn’t ignore… Yep… He is trying for me. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit! Here we go. A truly good guy that I am obviously not ready for. I just went through a train wreck of scenarios. I am bitter. I don’t know what I want. This isn’t going to work. I’m going to hurt him.

Don’t kiss him! Whatever you do after this date, DON’T KISS HIM!

You kissed him… you’re an idiot.

O.K… just tell him the truth about you, you suck at this thing of dating and you will probably run away from him a couple times and he should go now before it gets serious… He should be the one to run away actually, physically run if possible, the sooner the better.

Why is he still standing here? I just told him I was bitter and didn’t know what I wanted and I would probably hurt him and he is still standing here… He is standing here telling me that it would be worth it, I would be worth it. He will give me the time to figure it out, but he wants this.

So he is crazy? Blind maybe? A masochist?! Or will I have another push over good guy that I train wreck… It’s been a few years since I have done this, I am due for one right?

Wrong…

What I was actually due for, was a solid person to invest their interest in me at the same magnitude that I invest. It was time for me to get out of my own way and let someone worthy in. It was time for the guy who wouldn’t give up, the guy who was just himself, the man that was so incredibly willing to possibly be crushed by me that would end up breaking this ridiculous trend of self destruction.

And even then, I continued to talk myself out of it until I came home on lunch one day. There he was, simply and unapologetically himself, standing next to a pizza and a Yankee candle with little pieces of corn arranged just right.

“Will you be my gf?”

And through my laughter, I would break the vicious cycle and allow in the Nice Guy.

51 Of The Most Beautiful Sentences In Literature

32. “We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.”
—Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead

Amazing lines… some of my favorites!

51 Of The Most Beautiful Sentences In Literature.

Coward Vs. Asshole

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the way some men treat women these days. For lack of a stronger, more accurate description we jump to conclusions and label every man that did us wrong an “asshole”. I have been guilty of this very fact, taking a situation where I felt wronged and cried out ‘asshole, how could you’. But the last scenario I can recall where I was wronged by a self proclaimed ass, I realized something very significant. We have given men the power, yes THE POWER, to label themselves an asshole and give them the graces of hiding from the real reason they are acting in the way they do.

Nice guys finish last and women fall for assholes are just a few comments that can be found littered throughout article upon article when it comes to women feeling heartbroken and unable to ‘hook the good guy’. But I would like to take a personal situation, dissect it a bit differently, and shed some light on the reality of the asshole persona that we are glorifying for the opposite sex. Just a heads up, there will be definitions, not to insult your intelligence as readers, but to help me get the point across and show that the people I interact with could use a vocabulary lesson.

DEFINITION: Asshole
noun, Vulgar
1. anus
2. Slang.
a. stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.

In the literal definition of the word we find the culprit of my reasoning. Stupid, mean, or contemptible person. In this definition, a mans actions to deserve the word would require deliberate mean behavior, apparent stupidity and just being downright awful for no reason.  I find in most cases that this is not actually the case. Let me explain.

The self proclaimed asshole I refer to in the first paragraph will be the object of explanation today because he so elegantly gave me all the material I need to explain this. In the very early stages of us getting to know each other he was attentive, tried, worked for me. He seemed too good to be true, so when asked for faults I was given the proclamation “well, I have been called an asshole a lot” yet he couldn’t really give me exact reasons why… typical. Now if you know me, I had already made up my subconscious mind that this guy was not going to last, so of course, I tried dating him (self preservation if you will). It was almost immediate I began noticing the key actions that most women would classify as “an asshole move”.

I found myself driving to his place 99% of the time, that was of course on the rare occasion I was invited to see him. We rarely had public interaction, and when we did it was great, but he wasn’t exactly affectionate on showing the world “I was his” kind of thing. If you know me, I hate PDA so if I am saying he wasn’t affectionate, I mean the world probably assumed we were related by his actions or lack there of. I was given words, lovely words, about how meeting his friends was a really big deal and his friends were family. He didn’t introduce just any girl to them, I should feel lucky… Except only meeting them once in four months, I wouldn’t exactly call that interaction. He talked about missing me, wished he could see me, but as mentioned I would rarely receive an invitation to visit him and he sure as hell never tried to come see me. I went to his softball game in the cold, but he couldn’t find the time to make it to an indoor volleyball or soccer game of mine. I made future plans for dates, he found ways to break or deny them. I moved from apartment to house, he was too busy to help me move. I found little things to get him that reminded me of him, he was ungrateful in more or less actions. He didn’t want to push me to be physical, but yet an attempt was made every single visit.

Every moment was focused on him and how it could benefit him at the time. When I caught on to this in my conscious mind I made a decision to test this. I didn’t ask to see him. So I went a month without seeing him. Although we talked daily and non stop, his only effort I can reasonably give him credit for is keeping a constant conversation going, he was good at that… and only that, if you know what I mean.

So, upon the last in person interaction I paid very close attention to what exactly was going on with this self proclaimed asshole. And as all information does, it lands in my lap. He stepped away to use the restroom and left his phone sitting on the couch beside me. He probably should have told his ex girlfriend not to message him about missing his cuddles that late at night, but more than anything he probably should turn off message preview. He might of taken the time to mention that to the other girl (no name) who felt compelled to tell him at 11:30pm that she was “sorry for yelling at you the other night, I just like you so much and really wanted this to work out”.

Now my other posts will vividly explain my thoughts on being the other women, but with an undefined relationship I wasn’t THAT mad about it… But I definitely mentally called him an asshole, said goodnight and left before I lost my cool. I could approach this another day. The next day to be precise. “What is it that we are doing exactly?” I asked him, which was so lovingly responded to with “oh, here we go! The beginning of the end.” ASSHOLE right?!? I hadn’t even said anything about being upset with what we had been doing, just wanted to clarify and be on the same page. Needless to say, our relationship fizzled to a passive friendship that eventually fizzled to passive acquaintances to being deleted on Facebook and no longer anything in any way. Let me preface this with… I really didn’t give a shit at this point.

All of his actions and words and lack thereof for both would make it so easy for me to label him an asshole and call it a day. But in reality this guy is simply a coward. Too afraid to tell me how he feels or what he really wants from me. Too afraid to be honest with all the women in his life that he is insecure and needs attention but can’t commit. Too scared to have an adult conversation with me about what he was looking for out of the last four months of our interaction. I would rather you tell me, “hey, I got to know you and didn’t like what I found” or “hey, I was just looking to have a little fun, nothing serious”. At least then I know you are being a man about it. Standing me up, not responding, making excuses, avoiding conflict… all of these traits are common misconceptions for the common asshole, but this is the difference between that and a coward. He was never blatantly mean to me just to be mean. His actions of avoidance and deceit were those of a coward.

DEFINITION: Coward
noun
1. a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.  ; a timid or easily intimidated person.

… wuss.