I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

I Should Be Engaged

Original Post by Duly Noted.
January 8, 2016 by Corinne Rogero

I want to be engaged this year. As of yesterday I’ve been on this earth for more than twenty-three years, and I think it’s about time for me to be engaged.

I’ve been asking people on my Home Team what one word they want to hold true for 2016, and when the question was finally reciprocated by my friend Sanford, I couldn’t come up with anything. I hadn’t found one that quite fit just yet.

I would say seemingly meaningful words aloud to see if their meanings would hold any significance for what I want this next year to be.

I rustled up words like depth or rest or value and announced them to myself in the car or in the shower or on my walk to work. Nothing was clicking.

Until I drove to Joshua Tree yesterday morning, and that’s when a word so unexpected was whispered into the silence around me: engaged.

And I know it’s the right word for this next year because it scares me to say it aloud. I knew as soon as I heard it that it wasn’t my idea- I’d never ask for something so radical.

But as I sit in this snow-covered coffee shop on the side of Bear Mountain, that word keeps repeating itself in my mind to the point that I can feel it making itself at home and warming everything in me like the flat white in my coffee mug.

So for my twenty-fourth year of life I want to be engaged, but it’s probably not what you think.

I’m as single as a slice of American cheese right now, which is perfect for me and I prefer it that way.

But when I say I want to be engaged, I don’t mean I’m looking for a fiance.

I mean I want to be engaged in the sense that I’m mindful of the people and surroundings and culture and the spiritual warfare around me.

I want to establish meaningful connections with the person on the other side of my coffee mug or in the booth across from me at dinner or in the passenger seat of my car.

I want to lean in and connect with the stories being told. I want to actively console the sorrows being shared. I don’t want to go through conversations absentmindedly anymore.

Because after two decades of being distracted by tomorrow and by my phone and by what’s happening in my peripheral, it’s about time I was engaged fully in these moments.

I just finished A Hobbit A Wardrobe and A Great War by Joseph Loconte. It’s a book about J.R.R. Tolkien’s friendship with C.S. Lewis and how the events of WWI shaped their views on life, transformed their writing, and grew them together as best friends.

I came across a quote in one of the last chapters from Lewis about what true friendship is and he says,

You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher or the Christian by staring into his eyes as if he were your mistress: better to fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him.

I don’t think we’ll ever be fully engaged in the lives of others by staring at them through Instagram or Snapchat or by stalking their musical tastes on Spotify (all of which I’m fully guilty).

I think engagement happens when we turn off our phones and laptops and TVs and fight beside the people we love and want to know more.

It happens when we sit together in the silence of reading or doing a puzzle together or in the gentle murmur of prayer for one another.

I want to be engaged with this planet in my next year of life. I’ve already explored some of the most incredible landscapes in the past few months of living in California, but it’s only one state and I have the world at my fingertips.

So do you.

But if we never take the time to stick up for ourselves, to ask our employers for time away to rest and leave our cubicles and occupy our bodies and minds with the waterfalls and mountains and deserts and cobblestone streets of this planet, are we really living?

I want to engage in other cultures and environments and languages in this next year. I want to encounter more new places and faces than sticking to the social norms would allow.

More than that, I want to engage in the invisible war that’s taking place over the souls of the people around me.

I want to be locked and loaded with an arsenal of grace and truth and boldness to bring the good news of hope into the lives that intersect mine.

I want to be fully aware of God’s presence in every moment and not as much like Jacob who woke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place and I didn’t know it!”

John 1:10-11 says, “[Jesus] was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.”

I don’t want to be one of His own who is too busy or distracted or preoccupied to recognize his presence in every moment.

I heard a pastor once say, “The holiest moment in life is the one happening right now,” and I think he’s absolutely correct.

Because the enemy has quietly and viciously crept into this world and distracted us with empty connections and excuses of worrying about tomorrow.

C.S. Lewis portrays this in The Screwtape Letters. The antagonist Screwtape maliciously states,

The present is the point at which time touches eternity…It is far better to make [humans] live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities.

If I want to be engaged in the holiest of moments, if I want to live fully aware of the battle taking place for the weary, helpless souls around me, tomorrow can (responsibly) worry about itself.

It’s a new year, I’m another year older, and I want nothing more than to be engaged.

Will you be engaged with me? Will you spend more time being present in the present and interacting with the current landscape and giving the enemy a good dose of his own fear as your heart and mind sync up with these points in time that touch eternity?

I think life looks better engaged, regardless of whether there’s a ring involved or not.

Because we have a God who’s engaged and none of us did anything to deserve his fullness in every moment.

Stop for just a second and hear Him gently whisper,

Wake up to the life around you, my child. Awaken your senses to the people and places and my presence in this life, and I will wrap you up in light.

I’ll Be Seeing You

It’s crazy how one moment you can feel so alive and awestruck by the world. Then in another moment realize how harsh and cruel the reality of life can be. While I have been relishing in my day to day adventure filled life, I have been selfishly unaware of things that are far more important than myself. I have been self-seeking in my happiness, not fulfilling a promise I gave to a dear friend awhile back.

Back in late August of 2014 I went to Nashville for work and had the opportunity to use my night off to catch up with an old friend from back in my early High School days. He was coaching soccer down the road from my hotel, so I walked to go watch. We caught up over dinner and drinks and laughed at each other over how much we had changed over the years. We had always kept in touch, but we hadn’t seen each other in so long, so much was different now. Nevertheless I felt like I was hanging out with a close friend, teasing each other about work, giving out relationship advice… basically him giving me advice ha! It was awesome! Only briefly did he mention this weird pain in his jaw that he was having his dentist look at soon. No big deal, we barely talked about it.

Middle of September I was heckling him on the soccer pictures he was posting to Facebook. As a goalie myself we have always been supportive and critical of each others performances. It was lighthearted and fun, typical soccer banter. This was our friendship.

In October everything changed… He had a biopsy, surgery, and was ultimately diagnosed with Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma (ARMS) or cancer of the muscle. Dr. said that this cancer is very curable and responds well to chemo and radiation. She was very wrong.

Early November the Dr. said that the PET scan showed some spots in his bones (left hip, shoulder blade, mid-back) where the cancer had spread. Team Caleb shirts were made a few days later to raise awareness and money for Caleb’s fight. I bought one immediately. The end of November was the beginning of a long trek through Chemo and Radiation. Words I am all too familiar with. I donated more money to help with the bills. I wore his shirt often.

December 17th was his birthday, he is now only 28 years old. I wish I was there for your birthday… I’m so sorry I wasn’t.

January 5th thru 9th, was pretty brutal. He became weak, feverish and his blood counts dropped a great deal. While at an appointment with his oncologist it was decided he needed to be admitted to the hospital, on January 13th.

On February 11th he had an appointment, follow up with Renal docs from the long stay in the hospital, and  Caleb’s kidneys had fully recovered!  The appointment with the oncologist showed that the spots in Caleb’s hip/shoulder had started to die and scar over. Also, the jaw tumor showed dead tissue within. All of this, positive news.

On March 10th, Caleb and his girlfriend Bethany headed to Vanderbilt university, more chemo.

May 27th, Caleb’s jaw tumor has grown. It’s bigger and closer to the opening of his mouth. It has grown up towards the skull. This means that at some point, the chemo regimen had stopped working. Then his Dr. said she no longer thinks she can cure Caleb’s cancer.

I text Caleb that day. Told him I was praying harder than ever, told him I was there if he needed anything, told him “If my boyfriend and I get a chance we will come visit”. Why didn’t I book a plane ticket then?

June 15th, Caleb’s jaw tumor has gotten bigger still, just in the last week, and he was very uncomfortable. His oncologist was concerned with the growth and they were scheduled for a “debulking” surgery the next afternoon.

July 3rd, Caleb and Bethany head to NYC to visit Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center which resulted in being referred to Provision Proton Therapy Center for treatment on July 23rd.

August 3rd, Caleb proposed. He was going to get married November 1st, 2015! I texted him the next day, congratulating him on the proposal, the ring, and for being a hopeless romantic. I said how excited I was and  how “you deserve all the happiness this life can bring”. I really meant that.

August 18th, almost exactly a year after seeing him and things were looking up!

Then September 24th came. I woke up from a dream of being at his wedding to Bethany, it was beautiful. A very calm, warming feeling to wake up to. Then I saw a post about them needing prayers… it felt urgent and scary. I texted him immediately, “I wish I was around to help, but I want to visit soon and help you and the lady any way I can. Let me know if you’re free the weekend of Nov.6-8th, would love to fly down.”  There was silence. The buzz of a thank you never came. An open armed invitation to visit never arrived. Then I read about it…

Bethany wrote- “Caleb had a bad night last night that led to a 3am trip to the ER. He collapsed after using the bathroom and we had trouble getting his breathing under control. He’s got fluid build up in his abdomen that is just related to the cancer in his body. They are running other tests for now and trying to decide the best way to keep Caleb comfortable and allow him to rest. His body is fighting hard but it’s really getting knocked down over and over again. We were moved from the ER to ICU and he’s stable right now. We don’t know what the future holds for us over the next few days. We do know that becoming a married couple is one thing we wanted. So our beautiful family, friends, and nursing staff set up a sweet and perfect wedding for us. We are now Mr. & Mrs. Hanby!”

I messaged his mother on Facebook. I needed to get down there. I would go this weekend, cancel all my plans, I’m going.

“We would love to have you visit, but truthfully, we don’t think he’ll make it through the night.”

I didn’t know what to say… “I’m so so sorry. Thank you for welcoming me down during such a hard time. I don’t even know what to say, and I’m sorry for that. Caleb is a dear friend, my first real high school boyfriend, I’ll always have a special type of love for him. I hate that I didn’t visit sooner… Please tell him I’m sorry for that.”

Caleb died on Oct.1st 2015. I would not see him alive. I didn’t make it. I would not get to tell him all the things I still needed to say.

Immense feelings of sadness and guilt overcame me. Why didn’t I make the time for you? The time I promised I would make. Why did my excuses make sense when I made them, but now seem so pathetic of me?

Why didn’t I just go…

I only have the option to pray and hope you can hear me now. I don’t get the reassurance of your voice, I don’t get the response of your shy smile. I will always admire that smile though, the way it shot across your face when my brazen honesty made you uncomfortable. The way it stretched through your cheeks every time we saw each other. Your honest grin made everyone feel so welcome in your presence. Making you smile is my first memory of you and it will be my last.

So my prayer to you now is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke your heart in high school… twice. If I’m honest, I never felt good enough for you. Being your first kiss is something I will never forget, and I will hold it dear, but you were deserving of someone who loved you unbridled, open, on fire. I loved you then, but it was so quiet. At the end of it all, I am glad we stayed friends. I cherish that friendship.

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend through the other years. I remember our summer ice cream dates to catch up during college and the chats when you were heartbroken. I can’t tell you now how honored I am to have been a voice of strength for you when your heart was hurting. I should have been around for more every days, and not just the hard moments.

I’m sorry I didn’t come see you when I said I would… I know you wanted me to get to know Bethany . I know you wanted me to see your family. You wanted these things to happen, and sadly they came to be at your funeral. I was able to catch up with Cory, we tried for years to hang out with him, all together again. Although it’s been 8 or so years since I saw him, we were able to comfort each other.

I pray today for your memory to live on and for the comfort of your family when times get hard, because they will. I pray for Bethany and her peace, her heart and her soul moving forward. Her love will be a huge part of your legacy. I pray for the healing and acceptance of every single friend you touched, all of your new and old friends, Cory and even my own.

I beg today for forgiveness, from you and from myself, for letting little things come between me being the friend that I should have been to you. For not being there when I said I would. I know you never held that against me, but I will be a while working on the forgiveness of myself.

Thank you for teaching me so many things that I needed to learn. I’ll be seeing you.

Happiness for Granted

If you are like me, it takes a lot of effort and energy to let yourself be happy. When you have been holding on to an impossible idea of happiness, you really lose sight of things in your current life that are bringing so much joy to the world. If I stopped to look myself in the mirror to count my blessings, I would have an overabundance in comparison to the things that I would choose to change about my life. When I recognize that… I feel ashamed for all the times I felt sorry for myself or thought “oh woe is me”. My life, in comparison to some, has been a pretty tough go, I’ve lost a lot of important people in my life, I am not from a rich family, I wasn’t blessed with incredible talents worthy of finding fame over. I have had a really VERY shitty string of luck in the boyfriend department.

But as I sit on my couch looking at the walls of MY house, laughing along with a plethora of friends that stopped by for dinner and game night, I realize that on so many occasions we (especially me) can take the immediate moments of happiness for granted. I was able to buy my own house, I have several very good friends and a loving boyfriend, my family that’s left is healthy and kicking, my job is amazing. These are all happy things that are in the now!

I encourage you today, if you haven’t already, stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about when you maybe might possibly get married or have kids. Stop worrying about whether or not the next paycheck will be bigger or even big enough. Instead, take the moment to soak in everything that is right and wonderful and thank God for those pieces of life that are blessing you in this moment.

Don’t take your happiness for granted.

On The Death of a Friend

Elliott

I am so incredibly blessed to have known Elliott Orr as long as I have, although the time is never enough. Growing up in the church together, coaching soccer together. The memories I will cherish forever. There are so many people that have been touched by his laughter, his selfless love, and unwavering faith. Such a beautiful soul through the hardest times. His journey has touched so many lives and inspired me to see beauty in dark hours. I pray for peace and strength and comfort to his family, wife, friends. God bless you and everything you have brought to this world.

May you be at rest with the Lord, Coach. Your memory will forever be in my heart.

Death is not something I have ever been able to process easily. From losing my mother at a young age, to countless relatives and more friends than I would care to see go. Cancer has taken so many from me in such a short span of life. I find myself always struggling to process the emotions that flood me in these times.

I seem to always begin with a selfish regret… “I should have been around more, I said I would visit, I wish I would have held that friendship closer and done more to be a support system.” After the regret I move fiercely in to anger. I don’t think there will ever come a time when I will not feel angry when someone loses their life to cancer. It’s a nasty thing and by God I do not understand it. Maybe it’s a lack of knowledge and understanding, and honestly I should have sat down with Elliott a time or two and simply asked, “You are a young, vibrant, amazing young man who had so much passion for life. How do you not let yourself become angry with God? You praise his name daily and ask for prayers for others before yourself! How do you find the trust in him that this is his will and his plan for you is greater than what we can comprehend?” It takes every fiber of my being not to curse him in this hour. I never preach to be the best Christian by any stretch of the imagination, but my biggest struggle is when he tests me to keep loving him when good people are taken from this world, in my opinion, way too soon.

Following anger is the incredible heartbreak, a sadness from loss that can not be described. You feel so much that it physically hurts. Now if you know me, you’re aware that feelings of sadness are not emotions that I am willing to wear openly. I don’t cry in front of others, I stand strong, hold fast, show no weakness if you will. I’m the tough one in the face of difficult times. But loss is a sadness I can’t conceal. Tears will flood my eyes beyond my control.

But once the tears subside I will come to find a place of acceptance. Acceptance for the  bigger plan. Acceptance of the comfort in Heaven that the suffering can now feel. Through all the anger and regret, I always find solace that the departed have left to be with the Lord.

“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.” – Henry Thoreau

It’s a testament to my friend Elliott that over 700 people showed up for his funeral. I can also promise that many were still missing. But the truly miraculous thing to watch is how peaceful and blessed everyone who knew him continues to be. myself included. I find myself laughing at the things that used to infuriate me, “my truck has been recalled?! HAHA of course it has, I’ll call next week”, “I can feel cold air leaking in through the kitchen window now, the door wall can’t get fixed till spring, I definitely need to add insulation to stop all the freezing on my roof, guess I better start saving and planning”. My reactions in the past would have been much more aggressive, angry, full of cussing and confusion on why and how this is all happening. It’s interesting to me how one single human can drastically make you reevaluate your priorities and what you find important enough to fuss over.

So more than anything, through all the processes of emotions I must land my final emotion on a feeling of thanks. A thank you to a kid who was able to bring so much perspective to my world, so much more evaluations of being thankful as opposed to being irritated. Positivity above anything else.

Thank you Elliott, coach, friend. I will forever be grateful for your mark on this world.

Contributions in memory of a wonderful man can be made here:

Elliott Orr Mission and Scholarship Project Fund, c/o Scott Orr, P.O. Box 248, North Branch, MI. 48461

Days Go By

It’s been a about a year.

I can still picture it, walking along the beach with you letting your words sink in to my brain like a drug wheeling me through emotions I didn’t want to feel. The things you said to me were so difficult to accept considering how jaded and broken I had felt for months prior. My stomach was twisting  as I tried not to listen to the words that flowed so smoothly from your lips but I couldn’t help but hear every syllable.

You were piecing me back together.

I ran in to the ocean to escape your kiss. I couldn’t bear the idea of falling for you then. But you followed me… why did you follow me? Why did you scoop me up only to deposit me on cloud 9 with the touch of your lips? Why did you hold me so tightly?

I got tangled up in you those next few months, losing track of everything I had wanted and longed for. Your words were painkillers restructuring my heart and allowing it to beat again. What I could not have prepared for though… as soon as I was intoxicated by you, you would leave.

Almost as swiftly and as cruel as you came, you would choose to no longer be the voice that promised me the world. For a while I couldn’t grasp it. Love tries everything to make it work right? You put in your all when you love, you do whatever you can and compromise and meet halfway and work together. Isn’t that how it works? But it became apparent very quickly that i was mistaken. You had not and would not try as hard as me.

What would become even more hard to handle is that you would not exert any effort to maintain the friendship you so dearly wanted to keep with me. You would call for advice, you wanted to vent, you even called for advice on girls you were dating… I ran around doing favors for you, answering every call. What did I get in return? An attempted seduction during my next visit, irrational words of struggling to not feel for me but reassuring me that there was no way we could ever work. Distance. Simply too much for you.

You must have failed to remember that I have an intensity for happiness. And draining from you was no longer bringing me anything but misery. I had realized your constant need and complete lack of reciprocity. I had grown out of the idea of loving you. But it was at that time you realized I was everything. You tried to come crashing back in with a bullshit request, and once again, was unable to stand beside your words and wants. You were a coward. And you lost me.

I stopped answering your calls, I stopped responding to your constant need for me. It drove you insane but I was unaware due to the simple fact that I had made the decision not to let your incessant needs overcome my desire for peace. Days flew by and I would not think of you, but I know you were thinking of me. I grew up and you grew stagnant. I moved on and so did you, but I left you behind whereas you will never get over this. You will live with this while I live on.

I No Longer Have Patience

I have been going through a lot of interesting transitional scenarios in my life currently. I had a friend of mine send me this quote by José Micard Teixeira. This quote was most recently mistaken for a Meryl Streep quote, I admire the woman, but need to credit the correct author.

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” 

 

This really hit home for me, and it brings to light a lot of things I have learned about myself over the years. Although I have always been strong and independent, I have always had an issue with cutting people out of my life who did not add anything to it. I hung on to old relationships, whether a lover or friend. I made excuses for old friends who were no longer the person I connected with. I made excuses for myself on why I had allowed to be treated in certain ways in love. I avoided the idea of severing communications with these people… because what if?

Over the last year I have gained confidence in the ideas of what happiness is to me and the people who add or subtract from it. I no longer have patience for things that hurt me, I no longer want to waste my time holding on to things that will never be, I lost the will to continuously try to please those that do not expel the same efforts in my direction.

I have become a pro at finding friendships in people that enlighten me, grow me, challenge me and bring an overall sense of trust and understanding in souls of amazing human beings. These people continue to push me towards a greater sense of myself and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I have a tendency to give with a ferocity that has yet to be met in love. I am not desperate, exact opposite; I am not looking to snatch up a husband by any means. I am simply looking for my…. well my dude I guess. I never really know how to describe what I want, because it’s easier to describe what you don’t want. I no longer have time for disrespect, I no longer tolerate laziness or bad habits that are harmful and/or disrespectful, I don’t have time to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I have decided to not waste my time with someone who does not deserve my time. I want a guy who desires, strives, laughs, enjoys and lives.

And he has to like animals.

 

He Called Me Broken

I am a huge advocate of having opposite sex friends (strictly friends, if sex is involved… you’re not just friends) because their viewpoints and opinions can be so finite and blunt it’s amazing. Women are amazing companions, they stick up for you, build you up when you feel down, encourage you and love you. I do not want to take away from the amazing companionship I have in my lady loves 🙂 I simply want to look at the beauty of friendship in a dude.

*Now, for all of you naysayers out there, a platonic relationship with a guy is possible. One of my closest guy friends has been in my life for several years, I love his girlfriend, I support their relationship in every way, never in my life would I ever imagine me getting in the way of their happiness and never would he ever jeopardize what he has by pushing our friendship boundaries. So if you want to comment on this post about the impossibility of this friendship, please don’t, keep those opinions to yourself.*

Yesterday I was having a lovely catch up conversation with my good friend, we shall call him Rooney, about my last ‘relationshit’ and the bullshit words that were thrown around during it. I wish I could make this up but his first response was

“See, that’s why you’re so broken!” I immediately got defensive…

“I’m not broken!” How dare he…

“What about me seems broken? I am strong and happy and… and … PERFECTLY INTACT!”

He just laughed at me and started the process of explanation, “You’re right, not broken in the sense of sad and depressed over some jerk, but broken in the sense that the next guy that even ATTEMPTS to date you will have his work cut out for him with getting you to believe anything he has to say! Every guy we have talked about that has told you they love you has absolutely not proven this to you in any way. I feel bad for you because you don’t deserve that, but I feel bad for the guy that really does, because I honestly don’t think you will believe him”.

Blunt

Truth

Fuck… I AM broken.

The beauty of dude friends, say it like it is, not worried about hurting your feelings, but always looking out for you overall.

Unexplainable

You told me once, “I honestly don’t know what it is that you see in me”. For the life of me I wish words could explain it. It happened the moment I saw you, way back when, the first time I saw you in that bar. You were like a magnet. I know you remember the staring, watching your every move, soaking up the motions as you seemed to float through the bar like a dream. I had to watch you walk out, struggling to accept the fact that I would never see you again. I am sure you can imagine my elation when I saw you return. You strategically placed yourself and watched me. Did you know I would muster up the courage to ask you to dance? Did you know that walking me to my car would land you a kiss? Electrifying that was, the way your lips mapped mine. I was such a kid back then, wanting to be whatever you wanted for just a chance at your heart. You were so shallow and heartless back then, thankfully, I would not have been worth it myself.

Years can pass between two people but not without change. I watched you open and warm to me as a friend. We cast aside all of our games and facades to simply be just that. Oh, what a mistake that was, for seeing you in your true light was intoxicating. I convinced myself time and again how poorly matched our personalities would always be, convinced myself you were never going to be perfect for me. But you kept slipping and showing me slivers of the real man under that harsh exterior you liked to play. Time and again you gave me reasons to walk away from you, time and again I tried to. I went sprinting in the opposite direction of you so many times… and when I grew tired of running, I hailed a cab that quickly brought me back to you. How corny that sounds even as I write it!

Isn’t it funny the games we play with our hearts? Trying to convince ourselves that what we feel is not real. Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage our thoughts and emotions with pessimism and insecurities? Is it the never ending let downs we have experienced? The heartache we are unwilling to feel again? Vulnerability?

Can you explain why you run away? I know why I do…

The Liebster Award

The Liebster Award

liebsteraward

The Liebster Award is given to bloggers by other bloggers. It is a great way to connect with new bloggers, and to welcome them to the blogosphere.

Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you.
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers.
4. Go to the blogs you nominated and notify them of your nomination.
5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.


I was nominated by Five Years and Finally Single, and she has given me the following questions to answer:

1. What is the worst date you have ever been on?

Went out for a couple drinks with a new guy, was going very well and we were meshing, felt great about it, until he asked me my stand on threesomes and if I would be interested in having one with him and his girlfriend….

2. What is something you lied to your parents about?

Where I was going. I had to sneak around to date my older boyfriend haha!

3. Are you married? If yes what is your advice to a single gal? If no what is your favorite part of being single?

No; the guiltless independence!

4. What is the first thing you do when you get sad?

Workout, endorphins make you happy

5. Why did you start blogging?

I need a place to put my thoughts and feels down, I don’t verbalize well, this seemed like a goo release.

6. Best advice to a new blogger?

Don’t do it for followers, do it for you.

7. What is your biggest dream in life???

To be incandescently happy

8. Do you believe in fate?

I do

9. How old were you when you got your first kiss?? and please share the story…

14? I think, I was a freshman in High School and had my very first real boyfriend. He walked me to class and leaned in too quick with his eyes closed. I froze! He kissed between my upper lip and my nose. Hilarious.

10. What is your favorite feature on who ever you may be physically attracted to???

The overall contours of a face. Eyes, smile, cheek bones… love it. Otherwise overall strength

11. What is one question you want to ask a famous person and who are you asking??

I would ask Hugh Jackman, “Would you be so kind to make all my dreams come true with a simple kiss?”


 

I would like to nominate the following Bloggers:

My Life as Lisa

Modern Day American House Wife

The Life of N

A Tale of the Newly-Wedded and Newly-Medded

Bring Back Bernie

Particular Girl

Grove Pointe Love

Learning to Sparkle

US Milso

Faithful Creations Photography

Sugar Spice & Everything Nice


 

My questions for you bloggers are!!

1. Why did you start blogging in the first place?

2. Why do you feel you are blogging now?

3. What is your go to piece of relationship advice?

4. Finish this sentence: I cry uncontrollably when _____

5. Guilty pleasure movie??

6. Favorite first kiss memory:

7. Easy country life or fast paced city living and why?

8. True or False: All is fair in love and war?

9. What is the one specific trait you NEED in a significant other?

10. If you could choose a spirit animal, what would it be?

11. If I could go anywhere in the world, no financial restrictions, with the one person I truly love beyond measure, I would go to  ___________ with ___________.