I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

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A Relationship Explained in Paramore Songs

I found this gem buried in my drafts section. How funny that I was able to use one band to describe an entire relationship haha. *These are great tunes, all lyrics and songs are Paramore and YouTube found.

 

The day we met:

Wish I could find a crystal ball…
For the days I feel completely worthless
You know I’d use it all for good,
I would not take it for granted
Instead I have some memories… for the days I don’t feel anything.
At the least, they will remind me not to make the same mistakes again.

Years Later:

You never, you never said
This wasn’t what you wanted
Was it, was it?

This isn’t what you wanted
This isn’t what you wanted

When She Hurt You:

I settled down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known

I had it all
But, not what I wanted
’cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

You’d make your way in
I’d resist you just like this

How I still felt about you:

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it’s not real
You can’t hold it in your hand
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be, yeah

Your song to me:


So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolf’s gonna blow it down

When I found out:

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood

You were my conscience, so solid
Now you’re like water
And we started drowning
Not like we’d sink any further
But I let my heart go,
It’s somewhere down at the bottom
But I’ll get a new one
And come back for the hope that you’ve stolen

The End:

But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well I will figure this one out
On my own


You can’t tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

Coward Vs. Asshole

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the way some men treat women these days. For lack of a stronger, more accurate description we jump to conclusions and label every man that did us wrong an “asshole”. I have been guilty of this very fact, taking a situation where I felt wronged and cried out ‘asshole, how could you’. But the last scenario I can recall where I was wronged by a self proclaimed ass, I realized something very significant. We have given men the power, yes THE POWER, to label themselves an asshole and give them the graces of hiding from the real reason they are acting in the way they do.

Nice guys finish last and women fall for assholes are just a few comments that can be found littered throughout article upon article when it comes to women feeling heartbroken and unable to ‘hook the good guy’. But I would like to take a personal situation, dissect it a bit differently, and shed some light on the reality of the asshole persona that we are glorifying for the opposite sex. Just a heads up, there will be definitions, not to insult your intelligence as readers, but to help me get the point across and show that the people I interact with could use a vocabulary lesson.

DEFINITION: Asshole
noun, Vulgar
1. anus
2. Slang.
a. stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.

In the literal definition of the word we find the culprit of my reasoning. Stupid, mean, or contemptible person. In this definition, a mans actions to deserve the word would require deliberate mean behavior, apparent stupidity and just being downright awful for no reason.  I find in most cases that this is not actually the case. Let me explain.

The self proclaimed asshole I refer to in the first paragraph will be the object of explanation today because he so elegantly gave me all the material I need to explain this. In the very early stages of us getting to know each other he was attentive, tried, worked for me. He seemed too good to be true, so when asked for faults I was given the proclamation “well, I have been called an asshole a lot” yet he couldn’t really give me exact reasons why… typical. Now if you know me, I had already made up my subconscious mind that this guy was not going to last, so of course, I tried dating him (self preservation if you will). It was almost immediate I began noticing the key actions that most women would classify as “an asshole move”.

I found myself driving to his place 99% of the time, that was of course on the rare occasion I was invited to see him. We rarely had public interaction, and when we did it was great, but he wasn’t exactly affectionate on showing the world “I was his” kind of thing. If you know me, I hate PDA so if I am saying he wasn’t affectionate, I mean the world probably assumed we were related by his actions or lack there of. I was given words, lovely words, about how meeting his friends was a really big deal and his friends were family. He didn’t introduce just any girl to them, I should feel lucky… Except only meeting them once in four months, I wouldn’t exactly call that interaction. He talked about missing me, wished he could see me, but as mentioned I would rarely receive an invitation to visit him and he sure as hell never tried to come see me. I went to his softball game in the cold, but he couldn’t find the time to make it to an indoor volleyball or soccer game of mine. I made future plans for dates, he found ways to break or deny them. I moved from apartment to house, he was too busy to help me move. I found little things to get him that reminded me of him, he was ungrateful in more or less actions. He didn’t want to push me to be physical, but yet an attempt was made every single visit.

Every moment was focused on him and how it could benefit him at the time. When I caught on to this in my conscious mind I made a decision to test this. I didn’t ask to see him. So I went a month without seeing him. Although we talked daily and non stop, his only effort I can reasonably give him credit for is keeping a constant conversation going, he was good at that… and only that, if you know what I mean.

So, upon the last in person interaction I paid very close attention to what exactly was going on with this self proclaimed asshole. And as all information does, it lands in my lap. He stepped away to use the restroom and left his phone sitting on the couch beside me. He probably should have told his ex girlfriend not to message him about missing his cuddles that late at night, but more than anything he probably should turn off message preview. He might of taken the time to mention that to the other girl (no name) who felt compelled to tell him at 11:30pm that she was “sorry for yelling at you the other night, I just like you so much and really wanted this to work out”.

Now my other posts will vividly explain my thoughts on being the other women, but with an undefined relationship I wasn’t THAT mad about it… But I definitely mentally called him an asshole, said goodnight and left before I lost my cool. I could approach this another day. The next day to be precise. “What is it that we are doing exactly?” I asked him, which was so lovingly responded to with “oh, here we go! The beginning of the end.” ASSHOLE right?!? I hadn’t even said anything about being upset with what we had been doing, just wanted to clarify and be on the same page. Needless to say, our relationship fizzled to a passive friendship that eventually fizzled to passive acquaintances to being deleted on Facebook and no longer anything in any way. Let me preface this with… I really didn’t give a shit at this point.

All of his actions and words and lack thereof for both would make it so easy for me to label him an asshole and call it a day. But in reality this guy is simply a coward. Too afraid to tell me how he feels or what he really wants from me. Too afraid to be honest with all the women in his life that he is insecure and needs attention but can’t commit. Too scared to have an adult conversation with me about what he was looking for out of the last four months of our interaction. I would rather you tell me, “hey, I got to know you and didn’t like what I found” or “hey, I was just looking to have a little fun, nothing serious”. At least then I know you are being a man about it. Standing me up, not responding, making excuses, avoiding conflict… all of these traits are common misconceptions for the common asshole, but this is the difference between that and a coward. He was never blatantly mean to me just to be mean. His actions of avoidance and deceit were those of a coward.

DEFINITION: Coward
noun
1. a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.  ; a timid or easily intimidated person.

… wuss.

Of Course You Do

I am a magnet for unavailable men, this is something I have found to be true over and over again. Married but getting a divorce, married but hiding it, dating, engaged, etc you name it! If there is a man that approaches me, I will bet you $100 he is probably not “single” because 90 to 1 odds… I will be right.

Please revisit my older post, Uneven Heartache, it will bring to light the really big issue where this has happened to me.

https://fishinginstilettos.wordpress.com/2014/07/01/uneven-heartache/

Just yesterday, a guy I had barely talked to decided to come back around, wanting to explain something.

“Here we go” I said to myself, eyes rolling.

We had started talking just a few short months ago, it ended almost as quick as it began for several reasons. He lived across the state, wasn’t sure he was looking to really date, and when he got drunk he tried to solicit me for inappropriate photos. The first time I received the drunk message “send me a pic” I immediately shut down, essentially said “thanks but no thanks” for his time and made it clear contacting me again was not going to get him any response . He would reach out to me two more times, following my blatant “fuck off”, to apologize and as I had made clear, I didn’t respond to him.

Fast forward several weeks later, I had honestly forgotten about him to the point when he reached back out I struggled to recall his name! It was a basic message saying “hey,  I have something I really need to tell you. Might clear up some of my inappropriate behavior towards you, I apologize again for that. If you don’t mind letting me know if you could find time to talk.” Oh man o.k., I am intrigued, what in the world could this possibly be?! I am thinking fiance… that was honestly my guess!

Him: “So, I haven’t been really truthful with you with stuff but felt I should tell you… So I have a girlfriend”

Me: “of course you do”

DAMN! So close… I am really getting good at this, not something to be proud of though.

Him: “I’m sorry, we’ve been dating about 2 years. I am at the point where I’m trying to figure out the next step and am really unsure what to do.”

He continues on about loving her, but not being fulfilled, not sure what he wants, could marry her but thought about breaking up with her, blah blah the bullshit rants on. I simply inform him that he is disgusting, she deserves to know, etc. He continues on, assuming he thinks that I care, trying to rationalize and explain himself as if I might say “oh it’s o.k., what you’re doing is typical and you shouldn’t be ashamed.” He went on about “if you knew me you would never expect this”. O.K., well I DON’T know you, I don’t know why you are talking to me about this.

The final kicker to this ridiculous conversation… “If I broke up with my girlfriend next week, would you go out with me?”

You’re kidding me right? I told you several weeks ago to disappear from existence and I didn’t know you had a girlfriend! What part of this guy’s brain made him think that for any second of rational thought that I would ever contemplate dating him? I would have to be bat shit crazy to go for this guy.

My final words: “Absolutely not. I’m not ever going to date you, ever, in any way shape or form as long as this planet exists and you’re in it.”

Him: “wow, harsh… but thanks for the honesty”

Me: “Sure thing”

 

 

The Other Woman

I never wanted to be her. I certainly did not want to continue to be her… It’s why I felt I had to call. I wanted you to know what it was you were married to. I can’t even dignify calling him a “him” for he is a monster. How he so easily sauntered in to the bar no ring, how his gaze made me crazy enough to give him my number… I didn’t expect him to call, he seemed to cool for me anyways! But he did, and the lies came pouring in. He never mentioned you. Never mentioned a girlfriend, let alone a wife. He said he was too busy with work to think about a relationship, but was interested in getting to know me. Friends he said.

So he came up to meet me, conversation and smiles had me intoxicated for I so longingly wanted to be wanted. He got the best of me, a kiss would be a kiss, he would attempt for more but I wanted him to work for it. I sent him home with a mere glimpse of what I had to offer. Nothing more. This I promise. I am not the girl to so easily be swayed in to a first date escapade no matter how smooth he may be. I have more dignity in myself than that. The conversation did flow and I found myself exploring the idea of a friendship that might benefit me. I so wanted to be wanted.

But when I went digging, I found you. The benefit of not trusting anyone I suppose. I found your happiness and smiles glaring back at me and I was shocked to see his face pressed against yours, but there it was. Clear as day. You are his wife and have been for awhile it seems. I didn’t want this I tell you. I dragged out a bullshit conversation to get as much proof as humanly possible. His photos, his dirty mind, his desires for another woman. What you see in these messages… this isn’t me.

I am sick and tired of being the other woman. Finding out that me alone is never enough. Yes… I admit. This would not be the first time a married man had found a way to hide his marital vows and get in to my heart. At least this time I found out before I loved him.

I sent this all to you not in a vicious way. I simply wanted you to know. I want more than anything for you to ruin his life because I would like to think I would do the same if I were you. I feel guilty for not doing more the last time this happened to me. He certainly did not deserve to get away with anything, but I let him go. I tried to cope with it myself thinking that reaching out would do more harm than good and I made excuses because I had loved him. But I do not love your man. I do not desire to ever see him again in any capacity. I want him to be left in the dirt where he belongs.

But I am not here to tell you what to do. Stay with him if you wish, I will never judge you. Leave him if you can, I will not judge you. I am not you. I do not know what I would do in this scenario. But I know this…

I am not going to be the other woman. I am done hurting over someone who did not have the decency to be a man to begin with. Can I be blamed? Sure. I kept talking fully knowing he was married, thinking I was outwitting my opponent. When in reality I will look like a fool. I will leave you alone as you so wish to be left. I gave you what I could. I do not wish to drag on any agony for either of us. I will disappear in to the edges of paper on a computer screen because I know not any other way. I am sorry, truly.

Days Go By

It’s been a about a year.

I can still picture it, walking along the beach with you letting your words sink in to my brain like a drug wheeling me through emotions I didn’t want to feel. The things you said to me were so difficult to accept considering how jaded and broken I had felt for months prior. My stomach was twisting  as I tried not to listen to the words that flowed so smoothly from your lips but I couldn’t help but hear every syllable.

You were piecing me back together.

I ran in to the ocean to escape your kiss. I couldn’t bear the idea of falling for you then. But you followed me… why did you follow me? Why did you scoop me up only to deposit me on cloud 9 with the touch of your lips? Why did you hold me so tightly?

I got tangled up in you those next few months, losing track of everything I had wanted and longed for. Your words were painkillers restructuring my heart and allowing it to beat again. What I could not have prepared for though… as soon as I was intoxicated by you, you would leave.

Almost as swiftly and as cruel as you came, you would choose to no longer be the voice that promised me the world. For a while I couldn’t grasp it. Love tries everything to make it work right? You put in your all when you love, you do whatever you can and compromise and meet halfway and work together. Isn’t that how it works? But it became apparent very quickly that i was mistaken. You had not and would not try as hard as me.

What would become even more hard to handle is that you would not exert any effort to maintain the friendship you so dearly wanted to keep with me. You would call for advice, you wanted to vent, you even called for advice on girls you were dating… I ran around doing favors for you, answering every call. What did I get in return? An attempted seduction during my next visit, irrational words of struggling to not feel for me but reassuring me that there was no way we could ever work. Distance. Simply too much for you.

You must have failed to remember that I have an intensity for happiness. And draining from you was no longer bringing me anything but misery. I had realized your constant need and complete lack of reciprocity. I had grown out of the idea of loving you. But it was at that time you realized I was everything. You tried to come crashing back in with a bullshit request, and once again, was unable to stand beside your words and wants. You were a coward. And you lost me.

I stopped answering your calls, I stopped responding to your constant need for me. It drove you insane but I was unaware due to the simple fact that I had made the decision not to let your incessant needs overcome my desire for peace. Days flew by and I would not think of you, but I know you were thinking of me. I grew up and you grew stagnant. I moved on and so did you, but I left you behind whereas you will never get over this. You will live with this while I live on.

Uneven Heartache

Whenever someone has the audacity to break your heart, the only truth is in the uneven distribution of pain. The pain is only intensified if the one breaking you is someone you considered a friend.

After four years of knowing someone, or thinking I knew them, I get to be the one enveloped in pain wondering if there is even a sliver of hurt that courses through him.

Four years, several break ups that we supported each other through, dog sitting, concerts, even visits to see me in the hospital, souvenirs from our travels. Happy words of trust and truths, and even the intensity to share ourselves with each other to quiet the loneliness we felt at times. A man I considered a friend above everything else, a man that I felt close to, a man that despite his obvious faults I still searched and found the best in. A man that promised would never hurt me.

When I first met him I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, intoxicated by him, I wanted nothing more than to be near him. It would be clear very early that dating was not a compatible option for us, and I settled for an amazing friend. But a few months ago it came to light that his feelings and wishes for us had changed. I was skeptical… he was engaged.

In only a few conversations and realizations that there was something bigger between us than he could of expected, a break off of the engagement would occur. Words of love and devotion filled the corners of my mind that doubted it, his kiss and ability to surround me with his words cast aside any doubts I had about the faults that I knew existed. Besides, would someone who has opened up so much in the last few years really want to put me through this?

His “cancelled wedding” weekend rolled around and through all of the bullshit that I would have to endure I still thought that it would be me. He assured me of his love, promised that his wishes for us had not changed, and when he finally returned home he wiped away the skepticism again with I love you. He didn’t get married. But that particular I Love You was dripping with a stain of guilt. His voice was different, the look in his eyes was searching for my belief… I knew it was an inaccurate depiction of his feelings so I stood guard.

Information finds me, friends called to tell me his “deactivated Facebook” was very much still there. I had been blocked. But it wasn’t until the link to the wedding album showed up in my inbox that it really sunk in…

He looked so happy…

He lied. He was like everyone else. He hurt me all the same. The only difference was that he had accomplished becoming the worst thing that would be done to me. I have been cheated on, I’ve been lied to, but never in my life could I imagine that this would be real life, that something this intense could actually happen to me. Not by him. He wouldn’t… but he did.

I waited… I put on a face of happy to continue the game. I wanted to confront him in person, I wanted to see the shock on his face when I told him I knew. I wanted an immediate answer for his actions instead of a calculated response that he is so good at doing. I wanted…

I got the shock I so desired, but answers I did not. Excuses of getting in too deep and not knowing how to tell me, exclamations of me knowing he was a bad person, admittance of fault, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I became like every other guy to you… I’m sorry… give me a chance to fix this… I’m sorry… you’re the only one I care about losing… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I couldn’t think of anything else. The betrayal was so great, my mind was shrouded in rage, my body trembling, I wanted nothing more than to scream… fuck you, you’re sorry my ass. All I could see was he was sorry he got caught. Not a single apology made it to my heart. Not a single apology could make up for the hurt… the hurt from love stolen from me. He didn’t deserve I Love You… he didn’t deserve it.

The words that flowed out of his mouth with ease only made me angrier. He wants to fix it but I struggle with the concept that he was telling the truth then! All the lies and I’m supposed to believe he is really going to fix it? Words fall short to me, I need action, I need to see the actual try instead of the false promises that have burned me thus far. And even though it’s only been a few days, I have yet to see an ounce of try. Once again, an empty promise. Once again, an uneven distribution of pain. It falls on me.

How could you do it?

Uneven heartache is not something I would choose to ever handle. I don’t like to hurt let alone feel this solely by myself. I woke up and smiled yesterday. I don’t know how. I get up and just keep going. I don’t know how. I didn’t cry… he will not get my tears.
image

I will not cry over this.

She Didn’t Win

Was it really only a week ago the happiness and bliss was rushing through her system? His lips and words overcoming her fears, causing her to fall harder than she could have anticipated. In a simple weekend he had devoured her soul and made her believe in love again.

Maybe all of that was the cause of her hope. She was hanging on to a man who just admitted to still having another woman. Although he assured her that she was the one he wanted, the one he had been waiting for. There was no one else in his mind, he just needed to take care of it. “I’m taking care of it” was repeated again and again. “I know what is going to make you happy and that is being taken care of. What else right now can I do, to make you happy?” So she waited.

A week of promises passed by and her pain turned to fury. “I am not interested in being just some girl you text. So if that’s how you feel, don’t text me.” She was convinced that she was no longer the one he really wanted. “You aren’t just a girl to me, you never have been. I don’ think you realize that. I have wanted to be with you since the day we met a year ago.” All she could muster up to respond was “Prove it”. He kept fighting her, trying to get her to believe this wasn’t a big deal. But she was defeated.

 

“So are we done then?”  Of course he was going to give up. She had seen this ‘out’ used countless times and she wanted nothing more than to say with every ounce of absolution that he didn’t deserve her, that she was worth more than a cheap feeling of second place. But she found herself responding, “If I could give up on you that fucking easy I’d have been gone the day I found out about her! I am fucking waiting on you! If you want me as much as you say, I need you to prove it to me. But I can’t keep doing this pretend game that it doesn’t bother me to not have all of you. It’s incredibly unfair. I am just really hurt by your choice”.

“I know that” he replied. “You will soon be happy again.”

But she wasn’t happy. She didn’t win. And he didn’t try…