I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

28.5 and Dating

In January I wrote about how shitty dating was in this era and how dating apps and “Netflix and Chill” were the norm. I brooded on about how I wanted genuine interactions and someone to really try for me. So here’s my update…

 

It’s all still shit.

 

But…

I kind of like it this way, so hear me out:

When I made the decision to not join any dating sites and not really allow for ever so many pointless dates, one really great thing happened… I started dating new guys less and started getting more “me” things accomplished! Since January, I have lost almost 12lbs and am in the best shape of my life, I’ve built a privacy fence for my house with my dad, I’ve enhanced my career, I’ve traveled, and I’ve spent a lot more quality time with my friends and family. All in all, I am much happier.

I have met a guy or two, and quickly realized, before I went on the date, that I would be wasting my time. I have met one who ultimately pushed me to be more productive in my own life. But, more importantly, I have met the unapologetically honest version of myself that I have been missing for a few years. I don’t waste nearly as much energy keeping unproductive relationships breathing, I suffocate them. I don’t waste my time with one way streets, I speed down the highway of my life, hair blowing in the breeze of no bullshit.

Those are some sadistic and corny statements for you. You’re welcome.

The only con that I could possibly find in all of this ME time and happiness, is the small dark thought that I might get used to doing this on my own. But then the bright light of ‘no fucks’ shines through and I move on.

Cheers to the next 6 months! Stay tuned 🙂

 

 

Not Your Chair, Not Your Problem

I kind of already talked about this, but with all of these blogs about the shitty era of modern dating, I figured I would take my own little stab at it… again… with a little spin.

It sucks!!

It is possibly the single most frustrating topic for me right now, what with Tinder, Bumble, Farmers Only and God knows how many other dating sites out there. But wait… Let me clarify, because I am not on a single dating website. I refuse. And here’s why:

I want real, genuine interaction. I want someone who has enough BALLS to come up and talk to me, because I have no problem going up to someone I find attractive. Ask my friends, I’ve done it. I want a man to ask me out on a date, not “hey do you want to hang out sometime” or “let’s chill”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I hate being cold, no I don’t want to chill. I hang out with my friends, I don’t need more people to just hang out with. I don’t need an immediate “exclusive” relationship, but I at least want to know whether or not you are looking to add me in to that potential category or if you’re looking for nothing but a tryst. Cause hunny, that isn’t for me. But I covered this in my last entry, so I digress.

The other thing that sucks about dating:

EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE DATING!

Why? Why do I have to be dating? Why can’t I just be single ol’ me, happy as can be, being super productive and involved in a bunch of things? Why is being single almost frowned upon these days? “Your clock is ticking” “Everyone is getting married and settling down, don’t you want to?”

Here is the thing: 3 Reasons Why I Am Single

  1. This biological clock? I don’t hear it ticking, so you shouldn’t worry yourself with MY clock
  2. I love my friends, and love that they are happy, but no, this does not mean I wish I was them
  3. IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS

From friends, to parents, to cousins, to aunts, to coworkers, to strangers… everyone is concerned about my love life. Every one BUT me. If an opportunity presents itself, I will date, I am not anti dating. I am anti wasting my time in pointless relationshits. I don’t understand why we are in this justification dilemma where every person expects you to have a response to the dating questions. My love life, or lack thereof, is exactly that, MY love life.

28 and Dating

If you ask any of my friends, or hell, even read some of my past blog posts, you will quickly realize that I have shitty dating luck.

(I apologize now for the vulgarity)

Is it shitty dating luck or am I really just that bad at picking out people from a crowd? You need to have an attraction to someone, if slight, to even want to start a conversation. So, does that mean that I am blind? I look for the wedding ring, that ends up not being worn, because we all know how many married men that have vied for my affection throughout the last few years. But then again let’s be real… if they are not married when I meet them, they will be married soon enough! That’s my luck! You wanna get married? Date me, I am a modern day Good Luck Chuck in the sense that you can end up married WHILE DATING ME! How lucky are you?

Prick.

But let’s get back to the point… I am going to be 28 next month and I am still in the world of dating. Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to find some magic cure that allows me to find the right man and shoot me in to marriage before I’m 30. I am not in a rush, I am quite happy. I am comfortable and confident in myself to not feel like “my clock is ticking” or “why hasn’t it happened for me yet?” these are not thoughts that I am troubled with thankfully. I don’t want to NEED anyone. I want to WANT whomever that perfect for me man is. But let’s be real… dating now a days is not as fun as it used to sound.

Welcome to 2016 and the world of Tinder, and Bumble, and Plenty of Fish, and who knows what other number of dating/hook up apps that exist these days. Book stores are closing as more bars pop up. Technology has given the “men” of our day the ease of hiding behind their iPhone or Android screens.

I remember my mom and other women from her ‘dating era’ telling me stories about meeting a guy and then having flowers show up at their work asking for the first date. This shit doesn’t happen anymore. I am not saying I have never received flowers, because I have had a boyfriend or two be great in that regard. I am not saying I necessarily want flowers to be the avenue someone asks me out. But what I am saying is, I certainly have NOT had the effort put in to getting the first date from me. This is also partially my fault, for exchanging numbers and saying yes to a date via text. I am as guilty of allowing it as men are for taking the easy way. I don’t make men find me, pursue me, put in the effort. But then again, and maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, if I put up the wall of this idea and gave out my number less… I would date less.

Holy shit… THAT’S IT! If I was more strict on who and when I gave out my number I would siphon out the guys who are looking for the quick in, the tinder swipe type if you will, the guys who have a multitude of “application options”. I don’t want them anyways! I want the guy who comes after me, and gives me the reason to go after him. (I am not trying to make dating a one way street, let’s focus though)

For the year of 28, I want to really WANT to go on a date. I want to feel like that guy is as excited as I am, and not just tallying in his 3rd date for the week. I am a severely competitive woman… but I will not compete with other women for a man’s attention. I want to be so anxious to see someone I show up 15 minutes early and sit in the parking lot incessantly checking my makeup and watching the time. I want organic ‘meet cutes’ not one prompted by cycling through pictures and a small paragraph of your life. I want the fear of never seeing you again because googling your life story isn’t possible.

Dating in 2016 is hopefully going to be very interesting for me. And with the idea of being more guarded over my phone number (not my heart, I already have a wall around that sucker), I might not have to write about my “woes” as often. I apologize now to everyone who enjoys my debacles, but I am personally over the bullshit.

Let’s be real… My luck will still draw in the dicks and the pricks. And don’t you worry… you’ll be the first to know. (ok the second… my friends always hear about it first).

 

I Should Be Engaged

Original Post by Duly Noted.
January 8, 2016 by Corinne Rogero

I want to be engaged this year. As of yesterday I’ve been on this earth for more than twenty-three years, and I think it’s about time for me to be engaged.

I’ve been asking people on my Home Team what one word they want to hold true for 2016, and when the question was finally reciprocated by my friend Sanford, I couldn’t come up with anything. I hadn’t found one that quite fit just yet.

I would say seemingly meaningful words aloud to see if their meanings would hold any significance for what I want this next year to be.

I rustled up words like depth or rest or value and announced them to myself in the car or in the shower or on my walk to work. Nothing was clicking.

Until I drove to Joshua Tree yesterday morning, and that’s when a word so unexpected was whispered into the silence around me: engaged.

And I know it’s the right word for this next year because it scares me to say it aloud. I knew as soon as I heard it that it wasn’t my idea- I’d never ask for something so radical.

But as I sit in this snow-covered coffee shop on the side of Bear Mountain, that word keeps repeating itself in my mind to the point that I can feel it making itself at home and warming everything in me like the flat white in my coffee mug.

So for my twenty-fourth year of life I want to be engaged, but it’s probably not what you think.

I’m as single as a slice of American cheese right now, which is perfect for me and I prefer it that way.

But when I say I want to be engaged, I don’t mean I’m looking for a fiance.

I mean I want to be engaged in the sense that I’m mindful of the people and surroundings and culture and the spiritual warfare around me.

I want to establish meaningful connections with the person on the other side of my coffee mug or in the booth across from me at dinner or in the passenger seat of my car.

I want to lean in and connect with the stories being told. I want to actively console the sorrows being shared. I don’t want to go through conversations absentmindedly anymore.

Because after two decades of being distracted by tomorrow and by my phone and by what’s happening in my peripheral, it’s about time I was engaged fully in these moments.

I just finished A Hobbit A Wardrobe and A Great War by Joseph Loconte. It’s a book about J.R.R. Tolkien’s friendship with C.S. Lewis and how the events of WWI shaped their views on life, transformed their writing, and grew them together as best friends.

I came across a quote in one of the last chapters from Lewis about what true friendship is and he says,

You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher or the Christian by staring into his eyes as if he were your mistress: better to fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him.

I don’t think we’ll ever be fully engaged in the lives of others by staring at them through Instagram or Snapchat or by stalking their musical tastes on Spotify (all of which I’m fully guilty).

I think engagement happens when we turn off our phones and laptops and TVs and fight beside the people we love and want to know more.

It happens when we sit together in the silence of reading or doing a puzzle together or in the gentle murmur of prayer for one another.

I want to be engaged with this planet in my next year of life. I’ve already explored some of the most incredible landscapes in the past few months of living in California, but it’s only one state and I have the world at my fingertips.

So do you.

But if we never take the time to stick up for ourselves, to ask our employers for time away to rest and leave our cubicles and occupy our bodies and minds with the waterfalls and mountains and deserts and cobblestone streets of this planet, are we really living?

I want to engage in other cultures and environments and languages in this next year. I want to encounter more new places and faces than sticking to the social norms would allow.

More than that, I want to engage in the invisible war that’s taking place over the souls of the people around me.

I want to be locked and loaded with an arsenal of grace and truth and boldness to bring the good news of hope into the lives that intersect mine.

I want to be fully aware of God’s presence in every moment and not as much like Jacob who woke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place and I didn’t know it!”

John 1:10-11 says, “[Jesus] was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.”

I don’t want to be one of His own who is too busy or distracted or preoccupied to recognize his presence in every moment.

I heard a pastor once say, “The holiest moment in life is the one happening right now,” and I think he’s absolutely correct.

Because the enemy has quietly and viciously crept into this world and distracted us with empty connections and excuses of worrying about tomorrow.

C.S. Lewis portrays this in The Screwtape Letters. The antagonist Screwtape maliciously states,

The present is the point at which time touches eternity…It is far better to make [humans] live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities.

If I want to be engaged in the holiest of moments, if I want to live fully aware of the battle taking place for the weary, helpless souls around me, tomorrow can (responsibly) worry about itself.

It’s a new year, I’m another year older, and I want nothing more than to be engaged.

Will you be engaged with me? Will you spend more time being present in the present and interacting with the current landscape and giving the enemy a good dose of his own fear as your heart and mind sync up with these points in time that touch eternity?

I think life looks better engaged, regardless of whether there’s a ring involved or not.

Because we have a God who’s engaged and none of us did anything to deserve his fullness in every moment.

Stop for just a second and hear Him gently whisper,

Wake up to the life around you, my child. Awaken your senses to the people and places and my presence in this life, and I will wrap you up in light.

An Open Letter to a Man I Wish I Could Love

You deserve a mad, passionate, extraordinary love. We all do. And I am not giving that to you. How unfair.

There have been so many moments where you have shined and I say to myself “how beautiful of him, why don’t I love him”.

You are compassionate, supportive, funny, caring, giving, and extravagant in your love. You are always willing to please and are eternally helpful.

So why can’t I love you? After all the atrocities that I have dated, why is it that when you come along, I simply cannot bring my heart to love? No matter how much I have tried?

Through the last few months, I have come to realize that although you are an incredible man, you are not the right man for me. As I am also not the right woman for you. I do not love you ferociously as you do me. I do not express the passion for you, as you do me. I am failing to be a considerate and generous companion as my heart continues to make the realizations that we are not perfect for one another. Although I do so desire to be this for you, because you deserve all these things and more, I cannot force my heart.

I want someone to light up your life and empower you, you deserve this. I want someone to give you their everything, I want this for myself.

I want to run down the aisle to someone someday because the idea of spending forever with them can’t come soon enough. And I want someone to run to you.

I want someone who can make you feel incredibly special, blessed, by just their presence. I actually think we had this… I’m sorry it wasn’t enough for me.

I’m sorry that I am making this selfish decision, because I know it is selfish. You do not want this, but I truly believe that we both need this. Even if it is for the simple reason, that you truly deserve better than me. You deserve that full, all encompassing love that you have been giving. I really hope you can see that, I am sorry for hurting you, but I want more for you.

When it comes to the timing, no this is not perfect, but when is a good time to pull away from someone you have invested so much time in? I couldn’t have done this any sooner because I wasn’t sure, I still so wanted to fall for you. I also can’t continue to drag this out on you. As cliche as it may sound, life really is too short, and I don’t want to waste any more of your time. I say that, but I truly hope you do not feel that our time together was wasted.

I learned a great deal about myself during all of this. You showed me things that I deserve in a relationship, and made me aware that those traits exist. I am forever grateful, for before you I was losing hope in finding many of your qualities in another.

I will say this knowing you may not want this, but I do hope we can maintain the friendship. More than anything, I can say that my friendship for you has grown immensely and I hope we do not lose this completely.

Can I apologize enough for it? Are there words that can make this ok in your eyes? If there were I would write them. I do not want to hurt you, but I do not want to hold you back from finding the one that can make your soul sing.

Please forgive me, for I wished to love you, I simply couldn’t.

 

The Repeat Offender

You know what I am talking about, that ex… that ONE ex that can’t seem to leave it be. You finally feel like you have distanced yourself from the negative scenario that was that situation, only to have him pop his ugly head back in to your life at the most inopportune times. The repeat offender aka the ex boyfriend who repeatedly offends you.

The said relationship ended, you violently ended it about a year ago, not necessarily proud of all of actions, but you did what you thought would hurt him the way you were hurting. Tit for tat cause you were livid. You wash your hands of it and try to pick up the pieces that you might have left for the next guy. You spend the next few months dating and losing hope in humanity, let alone men, he tries to reach out at first but quickly quits because, in reality, he never cared as much as you. You have removed this person from all other avenues of connection that you might have left by now. Or so you think. You do your best to remove yourself, you do your best to move on.

You find someone, a good one, and you start down your path of happiness. Then BOOM! Text messages, phone calls, ridiculous attempts to reach out to you of “I need to explain”. Certain messages fall on deaf ears, some make it through… some make it through. Then you find yourself angry all over again! Furious at this person for what they did to you so long ago. “I was just coming to terms with this! Damn you!”

And the anger can never only affect you, noooo, that would be too easy. It seeps out of your pores and your friends and new happiness can sense it. You are irritable and frustrated and you are not even 100% why. You don’t love this person anymore cause the person you “loved” never existed. You don’t want to be with, let alone near this person, because their life practically disgusts you now. So why is this making you so angry? Why are you praying to see a photo of his happy face so you can spit on it?

Then it hits you… his attempt to reach out and explain completely negates the closure you thought you had back when you exploded in a fit of rage at the end of it all. He took away the one thing you had in your corner. He made you open a door you had long ago closed. It was only a door that you could open. You opened it for this bullshit??

Slam that damn door shut, smile, and get back to life.

 

Happiness for Granted

If you are like me, it takes a lot of effort and energy to let yourself be happy. When you have been holding on to an impossible idea of happiness, you really lose sight of things in your current life that are bringing so much joy to the world. If I stopped to look myself in the mirror to count my blessings, I would have an overabundance in comparison to the things that I would choose to change about my life. When I recognize that… I feel ashamed for all the times I felt sorry for myself or thought “oh woe is me”. My life, in comparison to some, has been a pretty tough go, I’ve lost a lot of important people in my life, I am not from a rich family, I wasn’t blessed with incredible talents worthy of finding fame over. I have had a really VERY shitty string of luck in the boyfriend department.

But as I sit on my couch looking at the walls of MY house, laughing along with a plethora of friends that stopped by for dinner and game night, I realize that on so many occasions we (especially me) can take the immediate moments of happiness for granted. I was able to buy my own house, I have several very good friends and a loving boyfriend, my family that’s left is healthy and kicking, my job is amazing. These are all happy things that are in the now!

I encourage you today, if you haven’t already, stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about when you maybe might possibly get married or have kids. Stop worrying about whether or not the next paycheck will be bigger or even big enough. Instead, take the moment to soak in everything that is right and wonderful and thank God for those pieces of life that are blessing you in this moment.

Don’t take your happiness for granted.

A Relationship Explained in Paramore Songs

I found this gem buried in my drafts section. How funny that I was able to use one band to describe an entire relationship haha. *These are great tunes, all lyrics and songs are Paramore and YouTube found.

 

The day we met:

Wish I could find a crystal ball…
For the days I feel completely worthless
You know I’d use it all for good,
I would not take it for granted
Instead I have some memories… for the days I don’t feel anything.
At the least, they will remind me not to make the same mistakes again.

Years Later:

You never, you never said
This wasn’t what you wanted
Was it, was it?

This isn’t what you wanted
This isn’t what you wanted

When She Hurt You:

I settled down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known

I had it all
But, not what I wanted
’cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

You’d make your way in
I’d resist you just like this

How I still felt about you:

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it’s not real
You can’t hold it in your hand
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be, yeah

Your song to me:


So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolf’s gonna blow it down

When I found out:

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood

You were my conscience, so solid
Now you’re like water
And we started drowning
Not like we’d sink any further
But I let my heart go,
It’s somewhere down at the bottom
But I’ll get a new one
And come back for the hope that you’ve stolen

The End:

But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well I will figure this one out
On my own


You can’t tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

He Put The Corn in Corny

Literally… He went for it, spelling out his desires in a cold yellow vegetable. But the sentiment, the thought, was anything but cold, and maybe melted this heart of mine just enough.

I have come to realize in my life the things we should run from and the things we should grasp on to for dear life. Many of these things I had twisted. I was running from good people and grasping on to my self preservation. I had loved so hard for so long that the constant torture and pain from ending that relationship was never over. Every time I let someone hurt me I felt his pain again. I longed for him instead of the one who just left. Loving was never truly loving, it was a temporary dissolve of emotion that I could utilize to hide my struggle. Because it was my fault after all, I left.

The bigger issue with this, you end up feeling bull dozed by all the bullshit you let in to you life. I allowed myself to have my self esteem destroyed by one, to feel like I deserved to watch another get married, to understand why another couldn’t just have me but needed more. I allowed these things to happen to me while I built walls and froze myself off to anything that could possibly be good for me.

With this, I was so far away from expecting this one to be anything more than a friend, I very literally laughed when someone brought to my attention that he was clearly trying to enter the race for my heart. No way, we are just friends, I have known him for over a year, there is no way… Then he showed up at my door with a dozen roses and a smile that I couldn’t ignore… Yep… He is trying for me. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit! Here we go. A truly good guy that I am obviously not ready for. I just went through a train wreck of scenarios. I am bitter. I don’t know what I want. This isn’t going to work. I’m going to hurt him.

Don’t kiss him! Whatever you do after this date, DON’T KISS HIM!

You kissed him… you’re an idiot.

O.K… just tell him the truth about you, you suck at this thing of dating and you will probably run away from him a couple times and he should go now before it gets serious… He should be the one to run away actually, physically run if possible, the sooner the better.

Why is he still standing here? I just told him I was bitter and didn’t know what I wanted and I would probably hurt him and he is still standing here… He is standing here telling me that it would be worth it, I would be worth it. He will give me the time to figure it out, but he wants this.

So he is crazy? Blind maybe? A masochist?! Or will I have another push over good guy that I train wreck… It’s been a few years since I have done this, I am due for one right?

Wrong…

What I was actually due for, was a solid person to invest their interest in me at the same magnitude that I invest. It was time for me to get out of my own way and let someone worthy in. It was time for the guy who wouldn’t give up, the guy who was just himself, the man that was so incredibly willing to possibly be crushed by me that would end up breaking this ridiculous trend of self destruction.

And even then, I continued to talk myself out of it until I came home on lunch one day. There he was, simply and unapologetically himself, standing next to a pizza and a Yankee candle with little pieces of corn arranged just right.

“Will you be my gf?”

And through my laughter, I would break the vicious cycle and allow in the Nice Guy.