I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

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My Own Worst Critic

It’s not difficult to be hard on yourself, to nit pick how bad you did this or that, how awful you look in this outfit or that outfit. I am the worst when it comes to hearing myself sing. I know I am not bad, I know I am not amazing, I am good. But I have to say this might be the first time I heard myself and enjoyed listening without being overly critical.

I am accompanied by my friend Derek who is the lead singer for the band Ignoring the Echoes. (please ignore the angle)

Christina Perri w/Jason Mraz- Distance (cover)

I know there are places where we messed up, the tuning was off and I cracked a time or two. But I love this song so much, and I thoroughly enjoy the progress I have made on singing it. Hopefully this will be one YouTube video of many to come. Hopefully everyone enjoys it as well!

 

Today I Miss You

Today… today I miss you. I miss you like the skip of a heartbeat. My breath is shallow, I’m nervous, anxious, on edge.

Why today? No idea… maybe because you have been gone for a bit. You haven’t called in awhile. Either way, I miss you today.

I never wanted this you know… I never wished to be parted from you. The reasons why I am over here alone filter through my thoughts, trying to make sense of everything and falling short of an answer. It’s not the same, it’s not the way I want it… I want you.

Part of me hates you today and wants to yell at you “LIAR!” because love is not a word I like to throw around, or have thrown at me… and part of me simply doesn’t believe you today.

I hate myself today. For missing you, for still loving you, for still letting you have this hold on me.