Not Your Chair, Not Your Problem

I kind of already talked about this, but with all of these blogs about the shitty era of modern dating, I figured I would take my own little stab at it… again… with a little spin.

It sucks!!

It is possibly the single most frustrating topic for me right now, what with Tinder, Bumble, Farmers Only and God knows how many other dating sites out there. But wait… Let me clarify, because I am not on a single dating website. I refuse. And here’s why:

I want real, genuine interaction. I want someone who has enough BALLS to come up and talk to me, because I have no problem going up to someone I find attractive. Ask my friends, I’ve done it. I want a man to ask me out on a date, not “hey do you want to hang out sometime” or “let’s chill”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I hate being cold, no I don’t want to chill. I hang out with my friends, I don’t need more people to just hang out with. I don’t need an immediate “exclusive” relationship, but I at least want to know whether or not you are looking to add me in to that potential category or if you’re looking for nothing but a tryst. Cause hunny, that isn’t for me. But I covered this in my last entry, so I digress.

The other thing that sucks about dating:

EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE DATING!

Why? Why do I have to be dating? Why can’t I just be single ol’ me, happy as can be, being super productive and involved in a bunch of things? Why is being single almost frowned upon these days? “Your clock is ticking” “Everyone is getting married and settling down, don’t you want to?”

Here is the thing: 3 Reasons Why I Am Single

  1. This biological clock? I don’t hear it ticking, so you shouldn’t worry yourself with MY clock
  2. I love my friends, and love that they are happy, but no, this does not mean I wish I was them
  3. IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS

From friends, to parents, to cousins, to aunts, to coworkers, to strangers… everyone is concerned about my love life. Every one BUT me. If an opportunity presents itself, I will date, I am not anti dating. I am anti wasting my time in pointless relationshits. I don’t understand why we are in this justification dilemma where every person expects you to have a response to the dating questions. My love life, or lack thereof, is exactly that, MY love life.

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Coward Vs. Asshole

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the way some men treat women these days. For lack of a stronger, more accurate description we jump to conclusions and label every man that did us wrong an “asshole”. I have been guilty of this very fact, taking a situation where I felt wronged and cried out ‘asshole, how could you’. But the last scenario I can recall where I was wronged by a self proclaimed ass, I realized something very significant. We have given men the power, yes THE POWER, to label themselves an asshole and give them the graces of hiding from the real reason they are acting in the way they do.

Nice guys finish last and women fall for assholes are just a few comments that can be found littered throughout article upon article when it comes to women feeling heartbroken and unable to ‘hook the good guy’. But I would like to take a personal situation, dissect it a bit differently, and shed some light on the reality of the asshole persona that we are glorifying for the opposite sex. Just a heads up, there will be definitions, not to insult your intelligence as readers, but to help me get the point across and show that the people I interact with could use a vocabulary lesson.

DEFINITION: Asshole
noun, Vulgar
1. anus
2. Slang.
a. stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.

In the literal definition of the word we find the culprit of my reasoning. Stupid, mean, or contemptible person. In this definition, a mans actions to deserve the word would require deliberate mean behavior, apparent stupidity and just being downright awful for no reason.  I find in most cases that this is not actually the case. Let me explain.

The self proclaimed asshole I refer to in the first paragraph will be the object of explanation today because he so elegantly gave me all the material I need to explain this. In the very early stages of us getting to know each other he was attentive, tried, worked for me. He seemed too good to be true, so when asked for faults I was given the proclamation “well, I have been called an asshole a lot” yet he couldn’t really give me exact reasons why… typical. Now if you know me, I had already made up my subconscious mind that this guy was not going to last, so of course, I tried dating him (self preservation if you will). It was almost immediate I began noticing the key actions that most women would classify as “an asshole move”.

I found myself driving to his place 99% of the time, that was of course on the rare occasion I was invited to see him. We rarely had public interaction, and when we did it was great, but he wasn’t exactly affectionate on showing the world “I was his” kind of thing. If you know me, I hate PDA so if I am saying he wasn’t affectionate, I mean the world probably assumed we were related by his actions or lack there of. I was given words, lovely words, about how meeting his friends was a really big deal and his friends were family. He didn’t introduce just any girl to them, I should feel lucky… Except only meeting them once in four months, I wouldn’t exactly call that interaction. He talked about missing me, wished he could see me, but as mentioned I would rarely receive an invitation to visit him and he sure as hell never tried to come see me. I went to his softball game in the cold, but he couldn’t find the time to make it to an indoor volleyball or soccer game of mine. I made future plans for dates, he found ways to break or deny them. I moved from apartment to house, he was too busy to help me move. I found little things to get him that reminded me of him, he was ungrateful in more or less actions. He didn’t want to push me to be physical, but yet an attempt was made every single visit.

Every moment was focused on him and how it could benefit him at the time. When I caught on to this in my conscious mind I made a decision to test this. I didn’t ask to see him. So I went a month without seeing him. Although we talked daily and non stop, his only effort I can reasonably give him credit for is keeping a constant conversation going, he was good at that… and only that, if you know what I mean.

So, upon the last in person interaction I paid very close attention to what exactly was going on with this self proclaimed asshole. And as all information does, it lands in my lap. He stepped away to use the restroom and left his phone sitting on the couch beside me. He probably should have told his ex girlfriend not to message him about missing his cuddles that late at night, but more than anything he probably should turn off message preview. He might of taken the time to mention that to the other girl (no name) who felt compelled to tell him at 11:30pm that she was “sorry for yelling at you the other night, I just like you so much and really wanted this to work out”.

Now my other posts will vividly explain my thoughts on being the other women, but with an undefined relationship I wasn’t THAT mad about it… But I definitely mentally called him an asshole, said goodnight and left before I lost my cool. I could approach this another day. The next day to be precise. “What is it that we are doing exactly?” I asked him, which was so lovingly responded to with “oh, here we go! The beginning of the end.” ASSHOLE right?!? I hadn’t even said anything about being upset with what we had been doing, just wanted to clarify and be on the same page. Needless to say, our relationship fizzled to a passive friendship that eventually fizzled to passive acquaintances to being deleted on Facebook and no longer anything in any way. Let me preface this with… I really didn’t give a shit at this point.

All of his actions and words and lack thereof for both would make it so easy for me to label him an asshole and call it a day. But in reality this guy is simply a coward. Too afraid to tell me how he feels or what he really wants from me. Too afraid to be honest with all the women in his life that he is insecure and needs attention but can’t commit. Too scared to have an adult conversation with me about what he was looking for out of the last four months of our interaction. I would rather you tell me, “hey, I got to know you and didn’t like what I found” or “hey, I was just looking to have a little fun, nothing serious”. At least then I know you are being a man about it. Standing me up, not responding, making excuses, avoiding conflict… all of these traits are common misconceptions for the common asshole, but this is the difference between that and a coward. He was never blatantly mean to me just to be mean. His actions of avoidance and deceit were those of a coward.

DEFINITION: Coward
noun
1. a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.  ; a timid or easily intimidated person.

… wuss.

10 Easy Ways to Deal With Me When I Am Being a Bitch

*Original Post by Melanie Curtin*

Let me find someone who knows that while I’m totally imperfect and totally impatient, I’m also totally loyal, totally affectionate and willing to go all out for my friends. Let me find someone who sees it all — not who shuts down when I’m not at my best.

 

Women don’t come with a manual. If they did, men wouldn’t need man caves.

The truth is, part of what makes women appealing can also make them terrifying. Their emotional volatility is either fascinating or distressing, depending on how it’s expressed, yes — but also on how it’s taken.

Every woman’s got her moods. Most men are by turns charmed, bewildered and blindsided by them. Here are some hints to help you keep your cool when I’m being a red hot bitch:

10. Don’t resist it

I cannot overemphasize this one. Resistance is the most common reason my being a bitch gets us into all kinds of trouble (and not the fun kind instigated by tequila and a hot tub).

In case you’re wondering what this means, it includes saying things like, “Calm down,” “Would you just relax?” “What’s the big deal?” and, “You’re overreacting.”

This is much like pouring gas on a lit flame.

When I’m pissed, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, it’s happening. Wishing it wasn’t or telling me to stop isn’t going to work. It’s similar to attempting to stop a tsunami. Is you telling the big bitchy wave to stop being a big bitchy wave going to work?

Nope. But if you accept that the wave is happening and grab a surfboard, you’ll get farther and be in for a hell of a ride.

I know how complicated women are — trust me, I’m living proof of this. But if there’s anything I’ve learned about men, it’s that the more I’m accepted for exactly who I’m being in this moment, the more I change and morph and melt into something more accepting myself.

9. Know that it won’t last forever

Have I ever been a bitch forever? Have I? Have you ever known any women who was? (Meryl Streep from Devil Wears Prada doesn’t count).

No. Emotions don’t last forever, no matter what they are. That’s why they’re called e-motions — energy in motion. There is no permanent state, particularly when it comes to women. We can switch from ecstatic to melodramatic in an instant, and be ready for tiramisu right after.

By the way, do you think that’s easy? No. A lot of the time it’s exhausting. You should try being on this roller coaster of emotion, not just being around it.

8. Know that it’s not really about what it’s about

When I’m being a bitch, we’re in Emotion Land. We left Logic Land long ago and as much as you may lament its absence, that ship has sailed (right on over the tsunami). I may be crying hysterically ‘because’ you forgot to call, or sniping at you ‘because’ you forgot to buy the right kind of milk. But it’s not really about that. In other words, it’s not really about what it’s ‘about.’

It’s not that it has nothing to do with the milk; it’s just that it’s more about something else. In fact, I may not even know exactly what’s wrong myself.

The best way for you to deal with this is to stop playing the game of “fixing what this is ‘about,'” and start listening for what it’s really about. The more you can hold off on shaming me for being upset over something ‘illogical,’ the more we can work as a team to figure out what’s really going on.

7. Have fun with it

Are you one of those people who loves watching sh*t go down when there’s something destructive happening? Are you like, daaamn, look at those waves flood over the boardwalk, or those cars floating down the street, or that (empty) house get torn up by that hurricane? Holy Sharknado, this is amazing!

Use that. Pretend my storm is an actual storm, and you get a front row seat (which, incidentally, some people would pay for). Witness it the same way you would a tempest — it swirls and rages, lessens and worsens, and eventually dissipates.

Because the things I’m saying and the way I’m acting isn’t ‘the truth.’ It’s just what’s true for me in that one particular moment. It will change in the next moment, just like the weather. And once you stop taking it to be something to be defended against or resentful of, it can actually be kind of entertaining.

I’m like your own personal hurricane. Besides, wouldn’t it be boring if it were sunny skies all the time?

6. When I act like a child, think of me like a child

Half the time when I’m being a bitch, it is exactly the same as when a 3-year-old is wigging out because s/he’s sleep-deprived. There is no logical reason for the behavior — it’s a physiological reaction. As adults, we assume we’re all capable of being normal, rational beings all the time.

We’re not. Especially not those of us with riotously, spectacularly, outlandishly fluctuating hormones.

Seriously, when I’m whining or bitching or complaining seemingly just for the sake of it, picture me as a tiny little girl in a tiny little dress with a tiny little diaper and a tiny little face red from bawling, who is upset that you just gave her the wrong milk. How seriously do you take that toddler? How much compassion do you have for her?

You always knew I was secretly a 3-year-old. Now make it work for you.

5. Call me out (gently)

For me personally, this works best when you give a nickname to my bitchy side.

My ex used to use “‘tudy,” short for “attitude-y.” This was brilliant, because it named what was happening without making me the bad guy. It also acknowledged that I’m not only that — there are many aspects and facets to me. This just happens to be the one that’s coming out right now.

It usually went a little something like:

Me: [Looking in fridge] “Really?? You forgot that I asked you specifically to get whole milk this week? You know I’m trying out that new Fat Is The New Skinny Diet — you just thought you’d ruin my chances, or what?”
Him: [Glancing over at me; pausing for a moment] “Hey there, ‘tudy! I’ve missed you. What you been up to?”

I’d roll my eyes but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t suppress a smile. He knew me — all of me — and he wasn’t scared of it. Instead of taking my comment as a huge and monumental attack on his manhood that he must defend against, it was more like, ‘let’s acknowledge that bitchy thing Mel just said.’

It’s not that he wasn’t taking me seriously. It’s that he wasn’t taking me too seriously.

4. If you can’t handle it, leave

It’s all well and good to talk about enjoying it, but sometimes, that’s just not possible. In those moments, don’t tell me I shouldn’t be or feel a certain way. If you can’t handle it, get out the way.

Look, I love my sister like, well, a sister. But she can be a real bitch sometimes. And I’ve learned that occasionally, it’s best to just leave the room. Sometimes I can read her moods and know that she’s ready to talk; other times I know it’s about her blood sugar being low; and sometimes it’s just a different type of mood — the untouchable one. It’s that one where no matter what I say or do, she’s just going to be a bitch.

For the most part, I know when to stick around and when to stay away. Then there are the times when I read it wrong and get scratched by her ‘tudy talons. At that point, I retreat into the other room and lick my wounds.

Both are fine, but it’s a whole lot more pleasant when I read it right and beat a hasty retreat. You should feel free to do the same.

3. Take care of yourself

You don’t always have to put up with my crap. Just because I’m in a bad mood doesn’t mean you’re responsible for it — or for fixing it. As my man, I expect you to give me attention and put energy into the relationship, but I don’t expect either 24/7.

You are, in fact, a whole separate being with your own experiences and needs and responsibilities. And your first responsibility is to yourself: If you can’t handle it or don’t have the energy or just don’t want to deal with me in a certain moment, don’t.

DO NOT sacrifice yourself or your truth just to make me ‘happy.’ It doesn’t work, anyway — you usually get resentful that you tried to help and it didn’t fly. I’d much rather you take care of yourself in the moment and have space for me later than overextend yourself now and blame me for it later.

Instead, try just letting me know: “Hey, I get you’re upset and I want you to know I care. At the same time, I need to take care of myself right now so I’m gonna go chill for a while. Cool?”

With this, you’ve solved half of it anyway just by acknowledging that I’m not OK. I at least feel seen, and I’m also primed to get that it’s not all about me all the time.

Sometimes, it’s easy for me to forget that.

2. If you don’t know how to support me, ask

You don’t have it all figured out. You don’t have to know exactly what to do or how to do it or what to say or how to say it beforehand. It’s far better to admit you don’t know than to constantly attempt to figure out the enigma wrapped in a riddle served on a bed of unpredictable with a little dollop of wtf on top that constitutes the psyche of a woman.

If you are really at your wit’s end, but you do have the energy and you do want to know what’s going on or how to help — ask. For example: “I don’t know what to do or how to help right now, but I want to. How can I support you?”

That will bring me up short.

And much of the time, I will tell you. This can flip me right out of my mood and put me into a different one. I might start to bawl; I might ask for chocolate; I might collapse into your arms and say, “I just — *sob* — want – *sob* — a foot rub. Can you — *hiccup* — give me — *searching look* — a foot rub?”

Because usually when I’m being a bitch, there’s some need that’s not being met. I don’t feel heard, or I’m craving connection, or I’m not feeling expressed, or I’m just generally feeling like I don’t matter. Here’s a truthful secret for you: Sometimes I lash out just to make sure that I do matter — that I can at least impact someone.

The point is, usually all that frustrated and angry energy wants to be transmuted into something else, something softer and more accessible and more yielding. If I’m given the genuine space for it, it will.

You can create that space. Sometimes.

1. Love me anyway

Please, God, let me find a man who is capable of this. Let me find someone who doesn’t take me too seriously, isn’t intimidated by mood swings and embraces the fact that I’m pretty judgmental a lot of the time. Let me find someone who knows that while I’m totally imperfect and totally impatient, I’m also totally loyal, totally affectionate and willing to go all out for my friends. Let me find someone who sees it all — not who shuts down when I’m not at my best.

And if it’s in the cards for me, let me find someone who doesn’t just tolerate me, but genuinely finds my quirks endearing. Let me be discovered by someone who doesn’t see me as a problem to be solved or a thing to be handled, but as a woman to be loved.

Even — or maybe even especially – when she’s being a bitch.

*Re-posted*

Follow Melanie Curtin on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/VixenOTL

What Did You Expect

Be Prepared… this is a rant…  🙂

 

Do you have those people in your life that make decisions without contemplating how it may have an effect on others? And then once they execute said decision they are confused and taken aback when people are upset by those decisions.

I simply can’t wrap my head around how clueless some people can be! Most of the time this person will get upset with YOU for being affected by it, because it of course was nothing, not a big deal. AND THEN! When they finally do come to terms with the fact that they may have made a mistake, they apologize, usually for the wrong thing! It’s as if they can’t comprehend the full extent of their actions. Or they simply are convinced the justification for their actions should be enough to make you OK with it. Really? Are people really that disrespectful? That unaware of how deeply they can harm people?

Now this is more detrimental when you toss in love. If you love someone who treats you like this expect an excessive and possibly unnecessary level of anger. Be prepared for irrational thought! It’s probably best to disappear for a day or two. Come back to it when you can fully dissolve what is really bugging you. The reason why I say disappear from someone you love for a day or two, is simply because you may love this person but they are not “yours” anymore. Or perhaps never were.

She Didn’t Win

Was it really only a week ago the happiness and bliss was rushing through her system? His lips and words overcoming her fears, causing her to fall harder than she could have anticipated. In a simple weekend he had devoured her soul and made her believe in love again.

Maybe all of that was the cause of her hope. She was hanging on to a man who just admitted to still having another woman. Although he assured her that she was the one he wanted, the one he had been waiting for. There was no one else in his mind, he just needed to take care of it. “I’m taking care of it” was repeated again and again. “I know what is going to make you happy and that is being taken care of. What else right now can I do, to make you happy?” So she waited.

A week of promises passed by and her pain turned to fury. “I am not interested in being just some girl you text. So if that’s how you feel, don’t text me.” She was convinced that she was no longer the one he really wanted. “You aren’t just a girl to me, you never have been. I don’ think you realize that. I have wanted to be with you since the day we met a year ago.” All she could muster up to respond was “Prove it”. He kept fighting her, trying to get her to believe this wasn’t a big deal. But she was defeated.

 

“So are we done then?”  Of course he was going to give up. She had seen this ‘out’ used countless times and she wanted nothing more than to say with every ounce of absolution that he didn’t deserve her, that she was worth more than a cheap feeling of second place. But she found herself responding, “If I could give up on you that fucking easy I’d have been gone the day I found out about her! I am fucking waiting on you! If you want me as much as you say, I need you to prove it to me. But I can’t keep doing this pretend game that it doesn’t bother me to not have all of you. It’s incredibly unfair. I am just really hurt by your choice”.

“I know that” he replied. “You will soon be happy again.”

But she wasn’t happy. She didn’t win. And he didn’t try…

What To Wait For

This is a little guidebook for all of my female friends… spiraling off my last post, I will have to argue that no one should ever settle. This was nicely summed up, a little far fetched because we are soiled in to feeling that way, but a nice thought. Enjoy ladies!

 

futurehusbandbook.pdf.

The First Time But Certainly Not The Last Time…

… that I will have rants about boys. And I say boys because I rarely have a run in with someone I can classify as a man.
There are many perks to being single but I am convinced dating is not one of those. It’s never ending socially awkward situations that when they finally do end turn in to a disappointing let down because you realize the guy across the table can easily be classified as one of the following:

an asshole

a selfish pig

a racist homophobe

disrespectful

an insecure little bitch

an unmotivated bum

or just down right boring

This is assuming you get a guy who is willing to be classic and take you to dinner. I get asked out for drinks most of the time and I am sorry, but I do not want to get to know you as an alcoholic, I want to know you as a sober human being. TAKE ME TO THE PARK! Take me for a walk, you can even take me to the gym with you! I would rather enjoy a nice workout with little conversation than sit at a bar screaming my questions into your already tuned out ears.Take me to a movie and then to get ice cream after to discuss. Take me to the cider mill. Take me to a book store. Come up with something… ANYTHING that is original or fun.

On that note, IF you are going to try and “pick me up” in a bar, you better have a damn good line because NO, you are not getting laid tonight. NO, I don’t enjoy your beer breath while you try to rub your sweat on me on the dance floor, go away. And NO, I am not ok with you interrupting the obvious conversation I am already having with my girlfriend so you can offer to buy me a drink and then try to use that as an excuse to sit with me. Come on guys, be creative already!

On another note, if you are insecure about yourself and your abilities as a man please avoid trying to date me. Why you are even looking for a relationship is beyond me, but no strong, independent woman has the time to butter you up and live at the same time. Your insecurities are not my problem, and sorry about your luck, but I will not be changing my style, my hair, my friends or my attitude because you can’t handle it. Jealousy is not a term I am willing to have in my life. Thanks but no thanks.

Finally, if you are not interested in a monogamous relationship, don’t call me. As much as I like the chase and the questions about whether or not you want me (false, I don’t have time for that) I really am not interested in your member for fun. I don’t think with my vagina so don’t assume that thinking with your thing will work on me. It’s not going to happen boys so move along to something easier if that’s all you want, because it sure as hell is not me.

End rant.