28.5 and Dating

In January I wrote about how shitty dating was in this era and how dating apps and “Netflix and Chill” were the norm. I brooded on about how I wanted genuine interactions and someone to really try for me. So here’s my update…

 

It’s all still shit.

 

But…

I kind of like it this way, so hear me out:

When I made the decision to not join any dating sites and not really allow for ever so many pointless dates, one really great thing happened… I started dating new guys less and started getting more “me” things accomplished! Since January, I have lost almost 12lbs and am in the best shape of my life, I’ve built a privacy fence for my house with my dad, I’ve enhanced my career, I’ve traveled, and I’ve spent a lot more quality time with my friends and family. All in all, I am much happier.

I have met a guy or two, and quickly realized, before I went on the date, that I would be wasting my time. I have met one who ultimately pushed me to be more productive in my own life. But, more importantly, I have met the unapologetically honest version of myself that I have been missing for a few years. I don’t waste nearly as much energy keeping unproductive relationships breathing, I suffocate them. I don’t waste my time with one way streets, I speed down the highway of my life, hair blowing in the breeze of no bullshit.

Those are some sadistic and corny statements for you. You’re welcome.

The only con that I could possibly find in all of this ME time and happiness, is the small dark thought that I might get used to doing this on my own. But then the bright light of ‘no fucks’ shines through and I move on.

Cheers to the next 6 months! Stay tuned 🙂

 

 

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Not Your Chair, Not Your Problem

I kind of already talked about this, but with all of these blogs about the shitty era of modern dating, I figured I would take my own little stab at it… again… with a little spin.

It sucks!!

It is possibly the single most frustrating topic for me right now, what with Tinder, Bumble, Farmers Only and God knows how many other dating sites out there. But wait… Let me clarify, because I am not on a single dating website. I refuse. And here’s why:

I want real, genuine interaction. I want someone who has enough BALLS to come up and talk to me, because I have no problem going up to someone I find attractive. Ask my friends, I’ve done it. I want a man to ask me out on a date, not “hey do you want to hang out sometime” or “let’s chill”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I hate being cold, no I don’t want to chill. I hang out with my friends, I don’t need more people to just hang out with. I don’t need an immediate “exclusive” relationship, but I at least want to know whether or not you are looking to add me in to that potential category or if you’re looking for nothing but a tryst. Cause hunny, that isn’t for me. But I covered this in my last entry, so I digress.

The other thing that sucks about dating:

EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE DATING!

Why? Why do I have to be dating? Why can’t I just be single ol’ me, happy as can be, being super productive and involved in a bunch of things? Why is being single almost frowned upon these days? “Your clock is ticking” “Everyone is getting married and settling down, don’t you want to?”

Here is the thing: 3 Reasons Why I Am Single

  1. This biological clock? I don’t hear it ticking, so you shouldn’t worry yourself with MY clock
  2. I love my friends, and love that they are happy, but no, this does not mean I wish I was them
  3. IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS

From friends, to parents, to cousins, to aunts, to coworkers, to strangers… everyone is concerned about my love life. Every one BUT me. If an opportunity presents itself, I will date, I am not anti dating. I am anti wasting my time in pointless relationshits. I don’t understand why we are in this justification dilemma where every person expects you to have a response to the dating questions. My love life, or lack thereof, is exactly that, MY love life.

28 and Dating

If you ask any of my friends, or hell, even read some of my past blog posts, you will quickly realize that I have shitty dating luck.

(I apologize now for the vulgarity)

Is it shitty dating luck or am I really just that bad at picking out people from a crowd? You need to have an attraction to someone, if slight, to even want to start a conversation. So, does that mean that I am blind? I look for the wedding ring, that ends up not being worn, because we all know how many married men that have vied for my affection throughout the last few years. But then again let’s be real… if they are not married when I meet them, they will be married soon enough! That’s my luck! You wanna get married? Date me, I am a modern day Good Luck Chuck in the sense that you can end up married WHILE DATING ME! How lucky are you?

Prick.

But let’s get back to the point… I am going to be 28 next month and I am still in the world of dating. Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to find some magic cure that allows me to find the right man and shoot me in to marriage before I’m 30. I am not in a rush, I am quite happy. I am comfortable and confident in myself to not feel like “my clock is ticking” or “why hasn’t it happened for me yet?” these are not thoughts that I am troubled with thankfully. I don’t want to NEED anyone. I want to WANT whomever that perfect for me man is. But let’s be real… dating now a days is not as fun as it used to sound.

Welcome to 2016 and the world of Tinder, and Bumble, and Plenty of Fish, and who knows what other number of dating/hook up apps that exist these days. Book stores are closing as more bars pop up. Technology has given the “men” of our day the ease of hiding behind their iPhone or Android screens.

I remember my mom and other women from her ‘dating era’ telling me stories about meeting a guy and then having flowers show up at their work asking for the first date. This shit doesn’t happen anymore. I am not saying I have never received flowers, because I have had a boyfriend or two be great in that regard. I am not saying I necessarily want flowers to be the avenue someone asks me out. But what I am saying is, I certainly have NOT had the effort put in to getting the first date from me. This is also partially my fault, for exchanging numbers and saying yes to a date via text. I am as guilty of allowing it as men are for taking the easy way. I don’t make men find me, pursue me, put in the effort. But then again, and maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, if I put up the wall of this idea and gave out my number less… I would date less.

Holy shit… THAT’S IT! If I was more strict on who and when I gave out my number I would siphon out the guys who are looking for the quick in, the tinder swipe type if you will, the guys who have a multitude of “application options”. I don’t want them anyways! I want the guy who comes after me, and gives me the reason to go after him. (I am not trying to make dating a one way street, let’s focus though)

For the year of 28, I want to really WANT to go on a date. I want to feel like that guy is as excited as I am, and not just tallying in his 3rd date for the week. I am a severely competitive woman… but I will not compete with other women for a man’s attention. I want to be so anxious to see someone I show up 15 minutes early and sit in the parking lot incessantly checking my makeup and watching the time. I want organic ‘meet cutes’ not one prompted by cycling through pictures and a small paragraph of your life. I want the fear of never seeing you again because googling your life story isn’t possible.

Dating in 2016 is hopefully going to be very interesting for me. And with the idea of being more guarded over my phone number (not my heart, I already have a wall around that sucker), I might not have to write about my “woes” as often. I apologize now to everyone who enjoys my debacles, but I am personally over the bullshit.

Let’s be real… My luck will still draw in the dicks and the pricks. And don’t you worry… you’ll be the first to know. (ok the second… my friends always hear about it first).

 

An Open Letter to a Man I Wish I Could Love

You deserve a mad, passionate, extraordinary love. We all do. And I am not giving that to you. How unfair.

There have been so many moments where you have shined and I say to myself “how beautiful of him, why don’t I love him”.

You are compassionate, supportive, funny, caring, giving, and extravagant in your love. You are always willing to please and are eternally helpful.

So why can’t I love you? After all the atrocities that I have dated, why is it that when you come along, I simply cannot bring my heart to love? No matter how much I have tried?

Through the last few months, I have come to realize that although you are an incredible man, you are not the right man for me. As I am also not the right woman for you. I do not love you ferociously as you do me. I do not express the passion for you, as you do me. I am failing to be a considerate and generous companion as my heart continues to make the realizations that we are not perfect for one another. Although I do so desire to be this for you, because you deserve all these things and more, I cannot force my heart.

I want someone to light up your life and empower you, you deserve this. I want someone to give you their everything, I want this for myself.

I want to run down the aisle to someone someday because the idea of spending forever with them can’t come soon enough. And I want someone to run to you.

I want someone who can make you feel incredibly special, blessed, by just their presence. I actually think we had this… I’m sorry it wasn’t enough for me.

I’m sorry that I am making this selfish decision, because I know it is selfish. You do not want this, but I truly believe that we both need this. Even if it is for the simple reason, that you truly deserve better than me. You deserve that full, all encompassing love that you have been giving. I really hope you can see that, I am sorry for hurting you, but I want more for you.

When it comes to the timing, no this is not perfect, but when is a good time to pull away from someone you have invested so much time in? I couldn’t have done this any sooner because I wasn’t sure, I still so wanted to fall for you. I also can’t continue to drag this out on you. As cliche as it may sound, life really is too short, and I don’t want to waste any more of your time. I say that, but I truly hope you do not feel that our time together was wasted.

I learned a great deal about myself during all of this. You showed me things that I deserve in a relationship, and made me aware that those traits exist. I am forever grateful, for before you I was losing hope in finding many of your qualities in another.

I will say this knowing you may not want this, but I do hope we can maintain the friendship. More than anything, I can say that my friendship for you has grown immensely and I hope we do not lose this completely.

Can I apologize enough for it? Are there words that can make this ok in your eyes? If there were I would write them. I do not want to hurt you, but I do not want to hold you back from finding the one that can make your soul sing.

Please forgive me, for I wished to love you, I simply couldn’t.

 

A Relationship Explained in Paramore Songs

I found this gem buried in my drafts section. How funny that I was able to use one band to describe an entire relationship haha. *These are great tunes, all lyrics and songs are Paramore and YouTube found.

 

The day we met:

Wish I could find a crystal ball…
For the days I feel completely worthless
You know I’d use it all for good,
I would not take it for granted
Instead I have some memories… for the days I don’t feel anything.
At the least, they will remind me not to make the same mistakes again.

Years Later:

You never, you never said
This wasn’t what you wanted
Was it, was it?

This isn’t what you wanted
This isn’t what you wanted

When She Hurt You:

I settled down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known

I had it all
But, not what I wanted
’cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

You’d make your way in
I’d resist you just like this

How I still felt about you:

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it’s not real
You can’t hold it in your hand
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be, yeah

Your song to me:


So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolf’s gonna blow it down

When I found out:

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood

You were my conscience, so solid
Now you’re like water
And we started drowning
Not like we’d sink any further
But I let my heart go,
It’s somewhere down at the bottom
But I’ll get a new one
And come back for the hope that you’ve stolen

The End:

But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well I will figure this one out
On my own


You can’t tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

Coward Vs. Asshole

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the way some men treat women these days. For lack of a stronger, more accurate description we jump to conclusions and label every man that did us wrong an “asshole”. I have been guilty of this very fact, taking a situation where I felt wronged and cried out ‘asshole, how could you’. But the last scenario I can recall where I was wronged by a self proclaimed ass, I realized something very significant. We have given men the power, yes THE POWER, to label themselves an asshole and give them the graces of hiding from the real reason they are acting in the way they do.

Nice guys finish last and women fall for assholes are just a few comments that can be found littered throughout article upon article when it comes to women feeling heartbroken and unable to ‘hook the good guy’. But I would like to take a personal situation, dissect it a bit differently, and shed some light on the reality of the asshole persona that we are glorifying for the opposite sex. Just a heads up, there will be definitions, not to insult your intelligence as readers, but to help me get the point across and show that the people I interact with could use a vocabulary lesson.

DEFINITION: Asshole
noun, Vulgar
1. anus
2. Slang.
a. stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.

In the literal definition of the word we find the culprit of my reasoning. Stupid, mean, or contemptible person. In this definition, a mans actions to deserve the word would require deliberate mean behavior, apparent stupidity and just being downright awful for no reason.  I find in most cases that this is not actually the case. Let me explain.

The self proclaimed asshole I refer to in the first paragraph will be the object of explanation today because he so elegantly gave me all the material I need to explain this. In the very early stages of us getting to know each other he was attentive, tried, worked for me. He seemed too good to be true, so when asked for faults I was given the proclamation “well, I have been called an asshole a lot” yet he couldn’t really give me exact reasons why… typical. Now if you know me, I had already made up my subconscious mind that this guy was not going to last, so of course, I tried dating him (self preservation if you will). It was almost immediate I began noticing the key actions that most women would classify as “an asshole move”.

I found myself driving to his place 99% of the time, that was of course on the rare occasion I was invited to see him. We rarely had public interaction, and when we did it was great, but he wasn’t exactly affectionate on showing the world “I was his” kind of thing. If you know me, I hate PDA so if I am saying he wasn’t affectionate, I mean the world probably assumed we were related by his actions or lack there of. I was given words, lovely words, about how meeting his friends was a really big deal and his friends were family. He didn’t introduce just any girl to them, I should feel lucky… Except only meeting them once in four months, I wouldn’t exactly call that interaction. He talked about missing me, wished he could see me, but as mentioned I would rarely receive an invitation to visit him and he sure as hell never tried to come see me. I went to his softball game in the cold, but he couldn’t find the time to make it to an indoor volleyball or soccer game of mine. I made future plans for dates, he found ways to break or deny them. I moved from apartment to house, he was too busy to help me move. I found little things to get him that reminded me of him, he was ungrateful in more or less actions. He didn’t want to push me to be physical, but yet an attempt was made every single visit.

Every moment was focused on him and how it could benefit him at the time. When I caught on to this in my conscious mind I made a decision to test this. I didn’t ask to see him. So I went a month without seeing him. Although we talked daily and non stop, his only effort I can reasonably give him credit for is keeping a constant conversation going, he was good at that… and only that, if you know what I mean.

So, upon the last in person interaction I paid very close attention to what exactly was going on with this self proclaimed asshole. And as all information does, it lands in my lap. He stepped away to use the restroom and left his phone sitting on the couch beside me. He probably should have told his ex girlfriend not to message him about missing his cuddles that late at night, but more than anything he probably should turn off message preview. He might of taken the time to mention that to the other girl (no name) who felt compelled to tell him at 11:30pm that she was “sorry for yelling at you the other night, I just like you so much and really wanted this to work out”.

Now my other posts will vividly explain my thoughts on being the other women, but with an undefined relationship I wasn’t THAT mad about it… But I definitely mentally called him an asshole, said goodnight and left before I lost my cool. I could approach this another day. The next day to be precise. “What is it that we are doing exactly?” I asked him, which was so lovingly responded to with “oh, here we go! The beginning of the end.” ASSHOLE right?!? I hadn’t even said anything about being upset with what we had been doing, just wanted to clarify and be on the same page. Needless to say, our relationship fizzled to a passive friendship that eventually fizzled to passive acquaintances to being deleted on Facebook and no longer anything in any way. Let me preface this with… I really didn’t give a shit at this point.

All of his actions and words and lack thereof for both would make it so easy for me to label him an asshole and call it a day. But in reality this guy is simply a coward. Too afraid to tell me how he feels or what he really wants from me. Too afraid to be honest with all the women in his life that he is insecure and needs attention but can’t commit. Too scared to have an adult conversation with me about what he was looking for out of the last four months of our interaction. I would rather you tell me, “hey, I got to know you and didn’t like what I found” or “hey, I was just looking to have a little fun, nothing serious”. At least then I know you are being a man about it. Standing me up, not responding, making excuses, avoiding conflict… all of these traits are common misconceptions for the common asshole, but this is the difference between that and a coward. He was never blatantly mean to me just to be mean. His actions of avoidance and deceit were those of a coward.

DEFINITION: Coward
noun
1. a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.  ; a timid or easily intimidated person.

… wuss.

Of Course You Do

I am a magnet for unavailable men, this is something I have found to be true over and over again. Married but getting a divorce, married but hiding it, dating, engaged, etc you name it! If there is a man that approaches me, I will bet you $100 he is probably not “single” because 90 to 1 odds… I will be right.

Please revisit my older post, Uneven Heartache, it will bring to light the really big issue where this has happened to me.

https://fishinginstilettos.wordpress.com/2014/07/01/uneven-heartache/

Just yesterday, a guy I had barely talked to decided to come back around, wanting to explain something.

“Here we go” I said to myself, eyes rolling.

We had started talking just a few short months ago, it ended almost as quick as it began for several reasons. He lived across the state, wasn’t sure he was looking to really date, and when he got drunk he tried to solicit me for inappropriate photos. The first time I received the drunk message “send me a pic” I immediately shut down, essentially said “thanks but no thanks” for his time and made it clear contacting me again was not going to get him any response . He would reach out to me two more times, following my blatant “fuck off”, to apologize and as I had made clear, I didn’t respond to him.

Fast forward several weeks later, I had honestly forgotten about him to the point when he reached back out I struggled to recall his name! It was a basic message saying “hey,  I have something I really need to tell you. Might clear up some of my inappropriate behavior towards you, I apologize again for that. If you don’t mind letting me know if you could find time to talk.” Oh man o.k., I am intrigued, what in the world could this possibly be?! I am thinking fiance… that was honestly my guess!

Him: “So, I haven’t been really truthful with you with stuff but felt I should tell you… So I have a girlfriend”

Me: “of course you do”

DAMN! So close… I am really getting good at this, not something to be proud of though.

Him: “I’m sorry, we’ve been dating about 2 years. I am at the point where I’m trying to figure out the next step and am really unsure what to do.”

He continues on about loving her, but not being fulfilled, not sure what he wants, could marry her but thought about breaking up with her, blah blah the bullshit rants on. I simply inform him that he is disgusting, she deserves to know, etc. He continues on, assuming he thinks that I care, trying to rationalize and explain himself as if I might say “oh it’s o.k., what you’re doing is typical and you shouldn’t be ashamed.” He went on about “if you knew me you would never expect this”. O.K., well I DON’T know you, I don’t know why you are talking to me about this.

The final kicker to this ridiculous conversation… “If I broke up with my girlfriend next week, would you go out with me?”

You’re kidding me right? I told you several weeks ago to disappear from existence and I didn’t know you had a girlfriend! What part of this guy’s brain made him think that for any second of rational thought that I would ever contemplate dating him? I would have to be bat shit crazy to go for this guy.

My final words: “Absolutely not. I’m not ever going to date you, ever, in any way shape or form as long as this planet exists and you’re in it.”

Him: “wow, harsh… but thanks for the honesty”

Me: “Sure thing”

 

 

Crashing Realization

As we continue to grow in maturity throughout our lives we come upon moments of weakness, lessons of learning and sometimes a crashing realization involving both. I came to one of these realizations the other day when I was under the assumption that things had not gone as planned for me, and I was hurting. I was reaching out so hard for happiness, but was I?

I had spent the better part of three months putting effort towards something I wanted. I was not receiving the reciprocation I had desired. It fell apart, and I was upset. But the harsh reality that fought it’s way to my very core was simply this:

I did this to myself…

I had sunk my brain in to something I knew was not going to work out to be anything more than what it was and immediately realized my demented self preserving and destructive behavior. It hit me like a mack truck blazing 80mph in to the cement wall that I place in front of my heart. As with every other scenario in my life (save one) I knew within a few days this wasn’t for me. But I went for it, made excuses to make it look like a good idea to pursue, then subsequently waited for it to implode. Either on my end or the other. This way, it will only hurt a little and for a short while. I won’t need to cry, I won’t need to hold on to this and wonder why, I won’t need to do anything more than skip away.

Because at the end of the day this is what I wanted…

 

 

Days Go By

It’s been a about a year.

I can still picture it, walking along the beach with you letting your words sink in to my brain like a drug wheeling me through emotions I didn’t want to feel. The things you said to me were so difficult to accept considering how jaded and broken I had felt for months prior. My stomach was twisting  as I tried not to listen to the words that flowed so smoothly from your lips but I couldn’t help but hear every syllable.

You were piecing me back together.

I ran in to the ocean to escape your kiss. I couldn’t bear the idea of falling for you then. But you followed me… why did you follow me? Why did you scoop me up only to deposit me on cloud 9 with the touch of your lips? Why did you hold me so tightly?

I got tangled up in you those next few months, losing track of everything I had wanted and longed for. Your words were painkillers restructuring my heart and allowing it to beat again. What I could not have prepared for though… as soon as I was intoxicated by you, you would leave.

Almost as swiftly and as cruel as you came, you would choose to no longer be the voice that promised me the world. For a while I couldn’t grasp it. Love tries everything to make it work right? You put in your all when you love, you do whatever you can and compromise and meet halfway and work together. Isn’t that how it works? But it became apparent very quickly that i was mistaken. You had not and would not try as hard as me.

What would become even more hard to handle is that you would not exert any effort to maintain the friendship you so dearly wanted to keep with me. You would call for advice, you wanted to vent, you even called for advice on girls you were dating… I ran around doing favors for you, answering every call. What did I get in return? An attempted seduction during my next visit, irrational words of struggling to not feel for me but reassuring me that there was no way we could ever work. Distance. Simply too much for you.

You must have failed to remember that I have an intensity for happiness. And draining from you was no longer bringing me anything but misery. I had realized your constant need and complete lack of reciprocity. I had grown out of the idea of loving you. But it was at that time you realized I was everything. You tried to come crashing back in with a bullshit request, and once again, was unable to stand beside your words and wants. You were a coward. And you lost me.

I stopped answering your calls, I stopped responding to your constant need for me. It drove you insane but I was unaware due to the simple fact that I had made the decision not to let your incessant needs overcome my desire for peace. Days flew by and I would not think of you, but I know you were thinking of me. I grew up and you grew stagnant. I moved on and so did you, but I left you behind whereas you will never get over this. You will live with this while I live on.

I No Longer Have Patience

I have been going through a lot of interesting transitional scenarios in my life currently. I had a friend of mine send me this quote by José Micard Teixeira. This quote was most recently mistaken for a Meryl Streep quote, I admire the woman, but need to credit the correct author.

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” 

 

This really hit home for me, and it brings to light a lot of things I have learned about myself over the years. Although I have always been strong and independent, I have always had an issue with cutting people out of my life who did not add anything to it. I hung on to old relationships, whether a lover or friend. I made excuses for old friends who were no longer the person I connected with. I made excuses for myself on why I had allowed to be treated in certain ways in love. I avoided the idea of severing communications with these people… because what if?

Over the last year I have gained confidence in the ideas of what happiness is to me and the people who add or subtract from it. I no longer have patience for things that hurt me, I no longer want to waste my time holding on to things that will never be, I lost the will to continuously try to please those that do not expel the same efforts in my direction.

I have become a pro at finding friendships in people that enlighten me, grow me, challenge me and bring an overall sense of trust and understanding in souls of amazing human beings. These people continue to push me towards a greater sense of myself and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I have a tendency to give with a ferocity that has yet to be met in love. I am not desperate, exact opposite; I am not looking to snatch up a husband by any means. I am simply looking for my…. well my dude I guess. I never really know how to describe what I want, because it’s easier to describe what you don’t want. I no longer have time for disrespect, I no longer tolerate laziness or bad habits that are harmful and/or disrespectful, I don’t have time to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I have decided to not waste my time with someone who does not deserve my time. I want a guy who desires, strives, laughs, enjoys and lives.

And he has to like animals.