I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

Of Course You Do

I am a magnet for unavailable men, this is something I have found to be true over and over again. Married but getting a divorce, married but hiding it, dating, engaged, etc you name it! If there is a man that approaches me, I will bet you $100 he is probably not “single” because 90 to 1 odds… I will be right.

Please revisit my older post, Uneven Heartache, it will bring to light the really big issue where this has happened to me.

https://fishinginstilettos.wordpress.com/2014/07/01/uneven-heartache/

Just yesterday, a guy I had barely talked to decided to come back around, wanting to explain something.

“Here we go” I said to myself, eyes rolling.

We had started talking just a few short months ago, it ended almost as quick as it began for several reasons. He lived across the state, wasn’t sure he was looking to really date, and when he got drunk he tried to solicit me for inappropriate photos. The first time I received the drunk message “send me a pic” I immediately shut down, essentially said “thanks but no thanks” for his time and made it clear contacting me again was not going to get him any response . He would reach out to me two more times, following my blatant “fuck off”, to apologize and as I had made clear, I didn’t respond to him.

Fast forward several weeks later, I had honestly forgotten about him to the point when he reached back out I struggled to recall his name! It was a basic message saying “hey,  I have something I really need to tell you. Might clear up some of my inappropriate behavior towards you, I apologize again for that. If you don’t mind letting me know if you could find time to talk.” Oh man o.k., I am intrigued, what in the world could this possibly be?! I am thinking fiance… that was honestly my guess!

Him: “So, I haven’t been really truthful with you with stuff but felt I should tell you… So I have a girlfriend”

Me: “of course you do”

DAMN! So close… I am really getting good at this, not something to be proud of though.

Him: “I’m sorry, we’ve been dating about 2 years. I am at the point where I’m trying to figure out the next step and am really unsure what to do.”

He continues on about loving her, but not being fulfilled, not sure what he wants, could marry her but thought about breaking up with her, blah blah the bullshit rants on. I simply inform him that he is disgusting, she deserves to know, etc. He continues on, assuming he thinks that I care, trying to rationalize and explain himself as if I might say “oh it’s o.k., what you’re doing is typical and you shouldn’t be ashamed.” He went on about “if you knew me you would never expect this”. O.K., well I DON’T know you, I don’t know why you are talking to me about this.

The final kicker to this ridiculous conversation… “If I broke up with my girlfriend next week, would you go out with me?”

You’re kidding me right? I told you several weeks ago to disappear from existence and I didn’t know you had a girlfriend! What part of this guy’s brain made him think that for any second of rational thought that I would ever contemplate dating him? I would have to be bat shit crazy to go for this guy.

My final words: “Absolutely not. I’m not ever going to date you, ever, in any way shape or form as long as this planet exists and you’re in it.”

Him: “wow, harsh… but thanks for the honesty”

Me: “Sure thing”

 

 

The Other Woman

I never wanted to be her. I certainly did not want to continue to be her… It’s why I felt I had to call. I wanted you to know what it was you were married to. I can’t even dignify calling him a “him” for he is a monster. How he so easily sauntered in to the bar no ring, how his gaze made me crazy enough to give him my number… I didn’t expect him to call, he seemed to cool for me anyways! But he did, and the lies came pouring in. He never mentioned you. Never mentioned a girlfriend, let alone a wife. He said he was too busy with work to think about a relationship, but was interested in getting to know me. Friends he said.

So he came up to meet me, conversation and smiles had me intoxicated for I so longingly wanted to be wanted. He got the best of me, a kiss would be a kiss, he would attempt for more but I wanted him to work for it. I sent him home with a mere glimpse of what I had to offer. Nothing more. This I promise. I am not the girl to so easily be swayed in to a first date escapade no matter how smooth he may be. I have more dignity in myself than that. The conversation did flow and I found myself exploring the idea of a friendship that might benefit me. I so wanted to be wanted.

But when I went digging, I found you. The benefit of not trusting anyone I suppose. I found your happiness and smiles glaring back at me and I was shocked to see his face pressed against yours, but there it was. Clear as day. You are his wife and have been for awhile it seems. I didn’t want this I tell you. I dragged out a bullshit conversation to get as much proof as humanly possible. His photos, his dirty mind, his desires for another woman. What you see in these messages… this isn’t me.

I am sick and tired of being the other woman. Finding out that me alone is never enough. Yes… I admit. This would not be the first time a married man had found a way to hide his marital vows and get in to my heart. At least this time I found out before I loved him.

I sent this all to you not in a vicious way. I simply wanted you to know. I want more than anything for you to ruin his life because I would like to think I would do the same if I were you. I feel guilty for not doing more the last time this happened to me. He certainly did not deserve to get away with anything, but I let him go. I tried to cope with it myself thinking that reaching out would do more harm than good and I made excuses because I had loved him. But I do not love your man. I do not desire to ever see him again in any capacity. I want him to be left in the dirt where he belongs.

But I am not here to tell you what to do. Stay with him if you wish, I will never judge you. Leave him if you can, I will not judge you. I am not you. I do not know what I would do in this scenario. But I know this…

I am not going to be the other woman. I am done hurting over someone who did not have the decency to be a man to begin with. Can I be blamed? Sure. I kept talking fully knowing he was married, thinking I was outwitting my opponent. When in reality I will look like a fool. I will leave you alone as you so wish to be left. I gave you what I could. I do not wish to drag on any agony for either of us. I will disappear in to the edges of paper on a computer screen because I know not any other way. I am sorry, truly.

He Called Me Broken

I am a huge advocate of having opposite sex friends (strictly friends, if sex is involved… you’re not just friends) because their viewpoints and opinions can be so finite and blunt it’s amazing. Women are amazing companions, they stick up for you, build you up when you feel down, encourage you and love you. I do not want to take away from the amazing companionship I have in my lady loves 🙂 I simply want to look at the beauty of friendship in a dude.

*Now, for all of you naysayers out there, a platonic relationship with a guy is possible. One of my closest guy friends has been in my life for several years, I love his girlfriend, I support their relationship in every way, never in my life would I ever imagine me getting in the way of their happiness and never would he ever jeopardize what he has by pushing our friendship boundaries. So if you want to comment on this post about the impossibility of this friendship, please don’t, keep those opinions to yourself.*

Yesterday I was having a lovely catch up conversation with my good friend, we shall call him Rooney, about my last ‘relationshit’ and the bullshit words that were thrown around during it. I wish I could make this up but his first response was

“See, that’s why you’re so broken!” I immediately got defensive…

“I’m not broken!” How dare he…

“What about me seems broken? I am strong and happy and… and … PERFECTLY INTACT!”

He just laughed at me and started the process of explanation, “You’re right, not broken in the sense of sad and depressed over some jerk, but broken in the sense that the next guy that even ATTEMPTS to date you will have his work cut out for him with getting you to believe anything he has to say! Every guy we have talked about that has told you they love you has absolutely not proven this to you in any way. I feel bad for you because you don’t deserve that, but I feel bad for the guy that really does, because I honestly don’t think you will believe him”.

Blunt

Truth

Fuck… I AM broken.

The beauty of dude friends, say it like it is, not worried about hurting your feelings, but always looking out for you overall.

I Will Need You To Show Me

More than telling me

I will need you to show me

You need me around

Daily Haiku on Love- Tyler Knott Gregson

Words, words, beautiful words. Words that slip in your ears and sink in to your brain with a promise and a kiss. But they are simply this… words. I need more than just a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning. Because it is just that, a meaning that means nothing if it is not consequently followed by the action for which would make it truth.

Many times we fall in love with the words that escape the lips of another. The shell of this person seems so perfect, a perfect package of attractive, successful, charming, and exactly what we need. The combination of letters that they compile together to form the promises and expectations only make them seem all the more. By the time you realize that you are wrapped up in words,  it is almost always too late to run without getting hurt, because you have allowed the string of syllables to convince  you that you are happy.

But if you take a step back, you can see all the things that were broken from the beginning

My friend said it eloquently in her post here: http://arobison3.wordpress.com/2014/07/13/you-miss-him/

The things that we must realize in our own search for happiness and love is simply put, mean what you say, do what you say you will do. Prove yourself to the one you love and protect yourself from the short comings of others. Stop falling for empty promises and words that fall short of meeting your expectations. Stop letting someone talk their way out of losing you. Stop letting someone talk their way in to your heart if they are not willing or able to show you that they need you around.

 

 

Uneven Heartache

Whenever someone has the audacity to break your heart, the only truth is in the uneven distribution of pain. The pain is only intensified if the one breaking you is someone you considered a friend.

After four years of knowing someone, or thinking I knew them, I get to be the one enveloped in pain wondering if there is even a sliver of hurt that courses through him.

Four years, several break ups that we supported each other through, dog sitting, concerts, even visits to see me in the hospital, souvenirs from our travels. Happy words of trust and truths, and even the intensity to share ourselves with each other to quiet the loneliness we felt at times. A man I considered a friend above everything else, a man that I felt close to, a man that despite his obvious faults I still searched and found the best in. A man that promised would never hurt me.

When I first met him I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, intoxicated by him, I wanted nothing more than to be near him. It would be clear very early that dating was not a compatible option for us, and I settled for an amazing friend. But a few months ago it came to light that his feelings and wishes for us had changed. I was skeptical… he was engaged.

In only a few conversations and realizations that there was something bigger between us than he could of expected, a break off of the engagement would occur. Words of love and devotion filled the corners of my mind that doubted it, his kiss and ability to surround me with his words cast aside any doubts I had about the faults that I knew existed. Besides, would someone who has opened up so much in the last few years really want to put me through this?

His “cancelled wedding” weekend rolled around and through all of the bullshit that I would have to endure I still thought that it would be me. He assured me of his love, promised that his wishes for us had not changed, and when he finally returned home he wiped away the skepticism again with I love you. He didn’t get married. But that particular I Love You was dripping with a stain of guilt. His voice was different, the look in his eyes was searching for my belief… I knew it was an inaccurate depiction of his feelings so I stood guard.

Information finds me, friends called to tell me his “deactivated Facebook” was very much still there. I had been blocked. But it wasn’t until the link to the wedding album showed up in my inbox that it really sunk in…

He looked so happy…

He lied. He was like everyone else. He hurt me all the same. The only difference was that he had accomplished becoming the worst thing that would be done to me. I have been cheated on, I’ve been lied to, but never in my life could I imagine that this would be real life, that something this intense could actually happen to me. Not by him. He wouldn’t… but he did.

I waited… I put on a face of happy to continue the game. I wanted to confront him in person, I wanted to see the shock on his face when I told him I knew. I wanted an immediate answer for his actions instead of a calculated response that he is so good at doing. I wanted…

I got the shock I so desired, but answers I did not. Excuses of getting in too deep and not knowing how to tell me, exclamations of me knowing he was a bad person, admittance of fault, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I became like every other guy to you… I’m sorry… give me a chance to fix this… I’m sorry… you’re the only one I care about losing… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I couldn’t think of anything else. The betrayal was so great, my mind was shrouded in rage, my body trembling, I wanted nothing more than to scream… fuck you, you’re sorry my ass. All I could see was he was sorry he got caught. Not a single apology made it to my heart. Not a single apology could make up for the hurt… the hurt from love stolen from me. He didn’t deserve I Love You… he didn’t deserve it.

The words that flowed out of his mouth with ease only made me angrier. He wants to fix it but I struggle with the concept that he was telling the truth then! All the lies and I’m supposed to believe he is really going to fix it? Words fall short to me, I need action, I need to see the actual try instead of the false promises that have burned me thus far. And even though it’s only been a few days, I have yet to see an ounce of try. Once again, an empty promise. Once again, an uneven distribution of pain. It falls on me.

How could you do it?

Uneven heartache is not something I would choose to ever handle. I don’t like to hurt let alone feel this solely by myself. I woke up and smiled yesterday. I don’t know how. I get up and just keep going. I don’t know how. I didn’t cry… he will not get my tears.
image

I will not cry over this.

Trust and The Truth

Trust…  A very large necessary piece to any successful relationship. I am a firm believer that without trust, there is no solid ground to stand on with another and ending will be inevitable. When trust is lost, maintaining any fragment of a relationship becomes a chore and is also exhausting. Always wondering, curious, nosy. “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? When will you be home? Let me see your phone. Tell me your passwords” I understand the previous sentiments can be in extreme cases, some are so extreme as to start following their significant or showing up unannounced. This is not love. This is no way to be in love. There is no reason to be with someone that makes you feel like this.

Trust… something that I prefer to begin every relationship with. As I mentioned without it there is no point for me to be with you so why would I start without it? I trust full tilt, hands down, all in… unless you break it. Then, as easy as that, I will be gone.

 

Day_2_truth

 

The truth… that lovely little tidbit of information that causes you to lose trust in another (lets not confuse this with those who are truthful all the time and are amazing significants, I’m referring to the liars today). As mentioned above when women get curious and nervous and untrusting they go searching for the truth. Some never find it and ruin great relationships. Some find it and get the information they needed to run.

The truth… the lovely little tidbit of information that has its way of finding me. Maybe because I trust so willingly, it’s Karma saying “Here you go, you really need to know this about your guy, fuck him, you’re welcome”. And sure enough, IT FINDS ME. There is a saying, “Never underestimate a womans ability to find shit out.” As much as I am a firm believer in this concept, I think everyone should be more worried about the information FINDING the other. I am less likely to run from a relationship where a man can admit his wrongdoings and tell me himself. If I find out though… Boy, run.

I have to put this on the same level with a guy playing dumb. (usually occurs after the initial information explosion) Did you really think that I didn’t see it coming? Did you think I wasn’t already aware? Because I am not the searching type and I am not irrational in what I hear, I have already pegged your “explanation and excuses” before you even formulate them.

The truth… it finds me every time.

Sabotage

stress-overeating-self-sabotage

Sabotage: a deliberate action aimed at weakening / loosening an entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction. Most definitions are used in conjunction with the idea of war, but love is war and all is fair so this definition and discussion will work hand in hand perfectly for me.

So there is boy and there is girl. Boy likes girl and does what he can to win girls heart. Girl falls for boy. Girl compares to other boy. You get what I am trying to say here.

I am not offering advice. I am not giving solutions. I am asking for help. Help me to understand how one can move forward in a relationship that isn’t perfect without sabotaging it herself or reaching for excuses to run like the wind.

Go to excuses: insecurity, lack of trust, finding every little thing that may be wrong with HIM to justify getting out now.

Go to sabotage: excessive stubbornness, unwarranted agitation, laissez faire attitude about basically everything, opening doors for inappropriate situations that cause tension.

And there you have it. The end will inevitably come because you yourself suck.