Learning How To Live

I’m learning how to live
Without you in my life.

Learning how to live, a song by Lucinda Williams, an artist that he introduced me to. I only knew a handful of songs when he died, but all of them strike a chord with me now. This one in particular today, because I feel as if I wrote this myself, thinking of the way I am moving forward in this life.

I’ll take the best of what you had to give.
I’ll make the most of what you left me with.

We argued over not being good enough for each other, but I loved the best of what he had to give. I understood it, why he couldn’t give me more. I don’t think this would have been as beautiful if he had. As much as he felt he wasn’t what I needed, he was exactly that. And what I have left of him, the memories, the feeling, the flannel shirt. I will make the most of every fleeting moment that reminds me of him.

They say the best is still yet to come
But the taste of you is still on my tongue.

I have received support from many people about him, telling me it was a beautiful love but God has another plan, and the best must be yet to come for me. I struggle to believe that, as I do still have the taste of him on my tongue. And it’s more than the cigarettes… his memory will never leave me.

I can’t forget and I won’t even try
To erase your image
And the way you made me cry.

This passage is hard for me, because we did make each other cry, but not in the ways people would think. I cried over him leaving, because we knew this was something, but we both knew he had to go. I cried that night in Sleeping Bear, because he was home but still knew it couldn’t really be. I don’t ever want to forget a moment, even the few rough ones, every moment with him was more real than anything I have ever had.

All I have left is this dime store ring
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

This passage makes me giggle a bit, because we were not big on gifts, and our gifts were not extravagant. He found an earring walking down the street in North Carolina when we first started talking, he gave it to me with such a bullshit explanation and we feigned this romantic moment. It was hilarious, and ridiculous, but I still have that earring. I also have the rock from that week… yes… a rock… which was given with the same ridiculous expression of affection. The peacock feather was a bit more well planned on his part, and I know it made him nervous to give it to me. Too committal.

The days ahead will never be the same.
For you I might have even changed my name.

This loss has hit me on a level I would never want for anyone. This loss is not understood by many who love me. I never would have said it while he was alive, but I would have changed my last name. He was the most beautiful human, and he was the only forever thought that didn’t petrify me.

I was asked by an acquaintance the other day, how it is that I get up and function each day. I just kind of giggled and took a big swig of my whiskey. I didn’t quite know how to answer him, but I guess I’m learning how to live.

 

As You Lay Dying

Nothing prepares you for experiences like this… not even going through it already (multiple times). There is no preparation for watching someone you love wither away in front of you eyes. There is no guidebook to handling a piece of you dying. They do not exist.

I maintain my strength and courage in front of my friend, I smile and laugh with her, crack jokes, dance, celebrate her. I surround her with my strength and optimism, I exude the same around her family and friends. I give the best I can to bring some semblance of normalcy while her time here fades.

But I have to admit, I am falling apart inside. I am struggling to breathe. My heart is aching in places I forget exist. I am falling apart inside, and it’s selfish.

I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lay you in the cold, dark earth because I love so much seeing you. I know you are going to a better place, I wholeheartedly believe that, but damn it I am not ready to say goodbye! Not today. Not a year from now.

What I would do to trade places with you. What I would give to make it all go away so you can live the life you deserve. You of all people, one of the most beautiful humans. Why is it always the best of you that are taken so young? This isn’t fucking fair.

I don’t want to hear about God’s plan today. I want to hear that you are cured.

I don’t want to hear that your memory will live on forever. I want you to live so I can make memories with you.

I am angry and struggling.

Then I read this; an amazing post by an Australian girl that recently lost her battle to cancer (can read her post here:  https://www.facebook.com/hollybutcher90/posts/10213711745460694?pnref=story). And it came at a very crucial time.

Her words snapped me back in.

“Whine less, people! .. And help each other more.”

Goodness if that isn’t so true! Here I am whining about MY feelings, and I am healthy as a horse.

“Give, give, give”.

Just another reminder that giving is the best gift of all and I could always, ALWAYS give more.

“Value other people’s time.”

This I took a bit differently than she intended, as I believe I already strive to value others in the regards of time. I took this as value “her time left”. Don’t regret time not spent like I have in the past with my other friends who I have lost.

Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.

I told her three times last night that I loved her. I will tell her and everyone as many times as I can, as often as I can.

———–

I’ll be seeing you.

Eileen Ruth. 10/30/1986 – 1/20/2018

I’m A Magnet for Unavailable Men

And I’m sick of it.

Holy shit, if I had a dime for all the unavailable men that have vied for my affections, maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad… because I could buy a fucking car.

Married.

Engaged.

Girlfriend.

Screwing 6+ people.

And they LIE about it, like I wouldn’t be able to find out?! Idiots. And I ASSURE you this is reality… Maybe this is what is happening! I am in a reality TV show that I am completely unaware of? Is this some sick game a television producer has designed to show people all the warning signs of shitty individuals that swoop in and ruin a perfectly amazing ‘meet cute’ by ending up already taken? Cause I am telling you, secret asshole producer, you are ruining ‘meet cutes’ for me.

So, here is my advice to the next person that wants to talk to me that is already unavailable. Fuck off. Don’t even think about it. Cause I will drag your pretty little name through endless amounts of shit and warn your girlfriend/fiance/wife, just how much of a fucking dick-bag you really are. And she will believe me, because I will send her documentation of all of your bullshit.

Choke on a cactus you good for nothing excuse for man.

Fire

You know the feeling of fire when he touches your skin? It ignites a blaze from a simple kiss. You simply don’t see the burns until morning. By then its too late… another scar.

“You call it hope — that fire of fire!
It is but agony of desire.” – Poe

29 and Living

A year ago I posted a blog about being 28 and dating. I talked on how I wanted to sit back and not go on meaningless dates just to date and throw my life on a social media app to try and find said dates. SO here is my update now:

In my 28th year of life, I spent the better part of the year doing exactly what I said I was going to do and it has been glorious! I went on a few dates throughout the year, and I did join a dating app for literally only 2 weeks, as it was mostly to appease others that I was “trying”, but it was exactly what I thought it would be. I went on several dates in a short amount of time and it was a waste. One guy had a serious girlfriend and a serious lying problem (per usual and sparked the blog called Someone Should Pay Me For This), another was “not sure he was ready for a relationship” and when I amicably agreed and bid him adieu, he has since messaged me several times to say “I sort of miss talking to you”… sort of? Nice. “I saw your NYE pic and damn girl, very nice. I just thought God damn I’m an idiot” Yes… yes you are and no, I do not want to grab a drink with you now that you realize you messed up. Sorry, but your window was small to begin with and you passed it up. I locked that window. And now that you have messaged me some bullshit, I went ahead and boarded it up too.

Aside from that, I have spent this year active, in a lot of ways! I have worked on my house, helped friends with theirs, made the gym a routine, sports, been to concerts and shows and events and trips! I have spent more time with my friends and family and people I truly care about. I have made MORE friends! I have added some truly wonderful people to my life and I am so glad for that more than anything. I went hunting again for the first time in years, I went fishing with my family, and I participated in two out of state weddings and attended a few more in Michigan which brought me more joy than I can explain.

This is exactly what I wanted. Life and to live it. I have had moments and experiences that I could have certainly blogged about, but let’s be honest… those are getting redundant. Dating mishaps. How about not dating positives instead? Everyone could use a little more positive anyways.

I am staring down the barrel of 29, a completely pointless age and number. My college idea of being married with kids by 30? Long gone! Someone asked me recently “what’s one thing right now that you’d tell your college self?”.  My reply:

Your time frame on life is bullshit. Stop planning and live.

And I have done just that!

Someone Should Pay Me For This

Ok, now that I am no longer angry… Let me propose a new business concept.

We have all watched the movies where someone capitalizes on others misfortunes and turns it in to something positive and a cash flow… Hitch, The Wedding Ringer, My Best Friend’s Girl. I could go on I’m sure. But where are the movies about the other end? Finding the cheater? And not just the one person hiring a detective… because I think I could make a business out of this that would save people money on hiring a detective.

I have a knack for being attractive to the “taken” man. They like to hide their relationships when I’m around, they like to lie about how “they just broke up”, they like to lie and lie and lie. And I am really, REALLY good at pretending I believe them. All those years of theater I guess.

I have been irritated by this so many times, I think even an honest man would struggle to get me to truly believe them these days. But what I have begun to do in these situations is document… photographs of us together (nothing pornagraphic… come on people), screenshots of conversations with time stamps, all while keeping it classy (I said no porn). What is unfortunate is I do this with all new dates, whether I know they are full of shit or not… but so far… I have been OH SO RIGHT every time. What is astonishing to me is how EASY it is to find the truth. With social media and this lovely site called Google, everything I need to know about you is in a simple click. Your Facebook might be “private” but your girlfriends is not. You might not be super active on Instagram, but your fiance loves to post photos of your future family. Or you might be overall stupid and I can find it all by just looking at yours… idiots.

Who needs to pay top dollar for a detective when I could find everything you need for… what should I charge… $50 an hour? Does that sound reasonable? And now to think of a name for my LLC… Unhitch Inc? Uncork? Unbind Services? Sabotage Services? The Exterminator? Annul and Liberate Inc? Or how about something less obvious?  …. Varmint Removal?

I’m taking suggestions.

I Miss You, But I Don’t Know You

It’s an emptiness I can’t quite explain, I used to tell you everything. Spill out all my deepest darkest secrets. I called you to cry because you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to be completely uncased. Ribs cracked open wide, tears streaming from my little heart, that’s what I gave you. All of me in a friendship I can’t even describe. And I was under this impression of a mutual agreement, you and I were one in this fight of life, we had each others backs, we had each others secrets. But how did I get that so wrong?

I ran to you in every scary, new, uncomfortable scenario. I trusted your wisdom and words of advice when it came to relationships, work, friends, you name it! You were my go to. I had your name tattooed on my brain. How did I not see all the lies and deceits?

I cut people out of my life who did you wrong, because in my mind, they did me wrong as well. I ruined relationships with your friendship, because your friendship was more important in the end. I prefaced new relationships with a warning about you, because I almost lost you once. How could I not have noticed that your intentions for me were stained with a selfishness that reeks.

I was able to love you fully because it wasn’t a love I ever had to run from. Your love made me feel endlessly beautiful, because I never had to believe that you would change your mind. There is never a “threat of another” in a friendship like ours. But how could I not realize that this love of ours was unrequited… Unrequited is the worst kind, in a friendship, just as much as in a lover.

Even more swift than your friendship came, you ripped it away. The choices and actions were yours alone. What we built for years was destroyed in a 20 minute phone call. How fitting.

So now I miss you, I miss my best friend. But I don’t even know who you are.

28.5 and Dating

In January I wrote about how shitty dating was in this era and how dating apps and “Netflix and Chill” were the norm. I brooded on about how I wanted genuine interactions and someone to really try for me. So here’s my update…

 

It’s all still shit.

 

But…

I kind of like it this way, so hear me out:

When I made the decision to not join any dating sites and not really allow for ever so many pointless dates, one really great thing happened… I started dating new guys less and started getting more “me” things accomplished! Since January, I have lost almost 12lbs and am in the best shape of my life, I’ve built a privacy fence for my house with my dad, I’ve enhanced my career, I’ve traveled, and I’ve spent a lot more quality time with my friends and family. All in all, I am much happier.

I have met a guy or two, and quickly realized, before I went on the date, that I would be wasting my time. I have met one who ultimately pushed me to be more productive in my own life. But, more importantly, I have met the unapologetically honest version of myself that I have been missing for a few years. I don’t waste nearly as much energy keeping unproductive relationships breathing, I suffocate them. I don’t waste my time with one way streets, I speed down the highway of my life, hair blowing in the breeze of no bullshit.

Those are some sadistic and corny statements for you. You’re welcome.

The only con that I could possibly find in all of this ME time and happiness, is the small dark thought that I might get used to doing this on my own. But then the bright light of ‘no fucks’ shines through and I move on.

Cheers to the next 6 months! Stay tuned 🙂

 

 

Not Your Chair, Not Your Problem

I kind of already talked about this, but with all of these blogs about the shitty era of modern dating, I figured I would take my own little stab at it… again… with a little spin.

It sucks!!

It is possibly the single most frustrating topic for me right now, what with Tinder, Bumble, Farmers Only and God knows how many other dating sites out there. But wait… Let me clarify, because I am not on a single dating website. I refuse. And here’s why:

I want real, genuine interaction. I want someone who has enough BALLS to come up and talk to me, because I have no problem going up to someone I find attractive. Ask my friends, I’ve done it. I want a man to ask me out on a date, not “hey do you want to hang out sometime” or “let’s chill”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I hate being cold, no I don’t want to chill. I hang out with my friends, I don’t need more people to just hang out with. I don’t need an immediate “exclusive” relationship, but I at least want to know whether or not you are looking to add me in to that potential category or if you’re looking for nothing but a tryst. Cause hunny, that isn’t for me. But I covered this in my last entry, so I digress.

The other thing that sucks about dating:

EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE DATING!

Why? Why do I have to be dating? Why can’t I just be single ol’ me, happy as can be, being super productive and involved in a bunch of things? Why is being single almost frowned upon these days? “Your clock is ticking” “Everyone is getting married and settling down, don’t you want to?”

Here is the thing: 3 Reasons Why I Am Single

1. This biological clock? I don’t hear it ticking, so you shouldn’t worry yourself with MY clock
2. I love my friends, and love that they are happy, but no, this does not mean I wish I was them
3. IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS

From friends, to parents, to cousins, to aunts, to coworkers, to strangers… everyone is concerned about my love life. Every one BUT me. If an opportunity presents itself, I will date, I am not anti dating. I am anti wasting my time in pointless relationshits. I don’t understand why we are in this justification dilemma where every person expects you to have a response to the dating questions. My love life, or lack thereof, is exactly that, MY love life.

28 and Dating

If you ask any of my friends, or hell, even read some of my past blog posts, you will quickly realize that I have shitty dating luck.

(I apologize now for the vulgarity)

Is it shitty dating luck or am I really just that bad at picking out people from a crowd? You need to have an attraction to someone, if slight, to even want to start a conversation. So, does that mean that I am blind? I look for the wedding ring, that ends up not being worn, because we all know how many married men that have vied for my affection throughout the last few years. But then again let’s be real… if they are not married when I meet them, they will be married soon enough! That’s my luck! You wanna get married? Date me, I am a modern day Good Luck Chuck in the sense that you can end up married WHILE DATING ME! How lucky are you?

Prick.

But let’s get back to the point… I am going to be 28 next month and I am still in the world of dating. Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to find some magic cure that allows me to find the right man and shoot me in to marriage before I’m 30. I am not in a rush, I am quite happy. I am comfortable and confident in myself to not feel like “my clock is ticking” or “why hasn’t it happened for me yet?” these are not thoughts that I am troubled with thankfully. I don’t want to NEED anyone. I want to WANT whomever that perfect for me man is. But let’s be real… dating now a days is not as fun as it used to sound.

Welcome to 2016 and the world of Tinder, and Bumble, and Plenty of Fish, and who knows what other number of dating/hook up apps that exist these days. Book stores are closing as more bars pop up. Technology has given the “men” of our day the ease of hiding behind their iPhone or Android screens.

I remember my mom and other women from her ‘dating era’ telling me stories about meeting a guy and then having flowers show up at their work asking for the first date. This shit doesn’t happen anymore. I am not saying I have never received flowers, because I have had a boyfriend or two be great in that regard. I am not saying I necessarily want flowers to be the avenue someone asks me out. But what I am saying is, I certainly have NOT had the effort put in to getting the first date from me. This is also partially my fault, for exchanging numbers and saying yes to a date via text. I am as guilty of allowing it as men are for taking the easy way. I don’t make men find me, pursue me, put in the effort. But then again, and maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, if I put up the wall of this idea and gave out my number less… I would date less.

Holy shit… THAT’S IT! If I was more strict on who and when I gave out my number I would siphon out the guys who are looking for the quick in, the tinder swipe type if you will, the guys who have a multitude of “application options”. I don’t want them anyways! I want the guy who comes after me, and gives me the reason to go after him. (I am not trying to make dating a one way street, let’s focus though)

For the year of 28, I want to really WANT to go on a date. I want to feel like that guy is as excited as I am, and not just tallying in his 3rd date for the week. I am a severely competitive woman… but I will not compete with other women for a man’s attention. I want to be so anxious to see someone I show up 15 minutes early and sit in the parking lot incessantly checking my makeup and watching the time. I want organic ‘meet cutes’ not one prompted by cycling through pictures and a small paragraph of your life. I want the fear of never seeing you again because googling your life story isn’t possible.

Dating in 2016 is hopefully going to be very interesting for me. And with the idea of being more guarded over my phone number (not my heart, I already have a wall around that sucker), I might not have to write about my “woes” as often. I apologize now to everyone who enjoys my debacles, but I am personally over the bullshit.

Let’s be real… My luck will still draw in the dicks and the pricks. And don’t you worry… you’ll be the first to know. (ok the second… my friends always hear about it first).